


Certain Inconsistancies

by Cat42103



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Bonding, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Humor, I hope?, I love their dynamic, Iruka's under a lot of stress okay, John Mulaney References, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, OP Teuchi, OP Teuchi The Ramen Man, References to The Office (US), Temporary Character Death, Time Travel, Umino Iruka-centric, eventually, meme references, messing with people, slightly hinted future Uzumaki Naruto/Uchiha Sasuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28738983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat42103/pseuds/Cat42103
Summary: Iruka was dragged away like a criminal, and from his suitably conflicted face, he knew it. He stared balefully at the amused patient, eyes narrowing further with each second he didn’t help.“Farewell, my beau,” Kakashi called, draping himself across the hospital sheets like a proper lovelorn lass. The thin blanket he’d been given was arranged to look like an elegant, if somewhat raunchy, skirt.The teacher met his eyes and mouthed, “Fuck. You.”OrIruka time travels. He has fun.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Teuchi & Uzumaki Naruto, Umino Iruka & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 73
Kudos: 332





	1. Iruka is Struggling™

**Author's Note:**

> This has no plot, and my pacing is questionable. I never explain how Iruka traveled in time, or even what the future he came from was destroyed by (other than vague references). 
> 
> When you start this, you will think, 'The author was only exaggerating. This just has a weak plot.' 
> 
> But you would be wrong. 
> 
> It will seem like it has a plot. In fact, for 2/3 of this you will be under the impression that the scenes in between the action aren't all there is. You will think that this will have an undercurrent of 'Iruka finds what destroyed Konoha and destroys it.'
> 
> But to be honest, I don't even know what destroyed the village in the future. In the last chapter (or sooner) I will totally gloss over it. Say something stupid like, 'And if Kakashi came back to the village muttering about 'finally killing Zetsu,' it was no one's business.'
> 
> I purely wrote this for the scenes inbetween. The bonding, the fluff, the messing with people with your knowledge from the future.
> 
> It's honestly half a heavy emotional fic, but there's so much crack and attempted humor, it's a mess.
> 
> Enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You read the summary. You know what you're here for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda...the prologue...so don't expect the good stuff just yet.

Iruka shot up with a gasp.

Panting, he clutched his bedsheets tightly as his eyes darted frantically around the room. His hair was down, and the strands were tangled and frazzled from sleep. A light sheen of sweat covered his skin, making him feel slightly sticky.

Iruka took in his surroundings, the silhouettes fuzzy in the dark. He couldn’t make out the details, but he was fairly sure this was his bedroom.

His old one from before Konoha fell.

Iruka grimaced and reached up to massage his temples. He closed his eyes, but that didn’t stop the images seared into his brain.

* * *

_Genma’s hands were completely cut off, severed at the wrist. His body was wriggling with cockroaches and flies hovered around him. His collection of senbon that he cherished was stabbed through his top and bottom lip. The way they were arranged hinted at a mockery of stitches._

_Anko’s ears were gone, leaving a bloody hole on either side of her head. Her murderer had drilled through her skull so they could shove wooden stakes directly into her brain._

_Shikamaru was sewn up tightly, a mishmash of pieces that seemed different, but were all his. Whoever had killed him had tried to examine him, a recognizable, if not clean, autopsy scar on his chest. It looked like they’d eventually given up, less precise marks ripping open his stomach and sides before being poorly stitched back together._

_When they’d traveled back to Konoha to check for survivors, there was one little girl. Strung up with dozens of spikes impaling her, she was tied to a large pole in the center square. She was burning alive, reminiscent of the witch trials. She wasn’t one of his students, but her skin was black with soot and her eyes were dead shelookedsoso **young-**_

Iruka snapped his eyes open, heaving in gasping breaths of air. Blinking rapidly, he reoriented himself.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. In his old house with everything intact.

Where he breathed without scars pulling uncomfortably at his ribs.

Iruka ripped off the covers and stumbled out of bed clumsily. He fumbled with the bathroom handle, reaching inside for the light. As he settled in front of the mirror, his breath caught in his throat.

He looked so _young_.

Iruka’s face was rounder, no longer gaunt with hunger. The only visible scar was across the bridge of his nose and he avoided making eye contact. He looked old enough to be an adult, but the gangly limbs and wide eyes show that he was only just out of his teens.

19, 20-ish, maybe?

Iruka backed into the wall and slid down noiselessly. He was on the edge of panic, but he’d had enough experience to forcefully slow his breaths.

He didn’t know how he had been killed, only that it had happened. Or maybe it hadn’t?

Iruka had ruled out genjutsu early on, but it could be a hallucination, a last hurrah before he died. He couldn’t remember much from the battle he was in, whether he had been stabbed or hit with a jutsu.

For all intents and purposes, Iruka was now in his younger body with his mentality and memories intact.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whether remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

At this point, it was either time travel or dimension travel. He’s not sure which was worse.

If it was time travel, then he had the weight of stopping whatever the fuck went wrong the first time around. If it was dimension travel, it could be better or worse depending on what the changes were.

Of course, that’s assuming that this wasn’t a defense mechanism that his brain dreamed up to stop from fully going insane.

Or maybe he was already insane.

Iruka left the bathroom silently, not bothering to straighten his rumpled clothes as he collapsed into his bed.

He was operating under the assumption that this wasn’t real, because traveling through time and space? Really?

So, it wouldn’t matter if he slept for a while. Preferably forever.

* * *

Iruka woke up to banging on his door. He groaned, pulling a pillow over his head. When it continued, he dragged himself out of bed. He haphazardly threw on a decent pair of pants and a shirt, not even aware which one he picked.

It was unnerving how quickly Iruka fell into old habits, not questioning why he was in his old bedroom.

He’d successfully ignored the problem, and now he had to wait 2-5 business days to see if it went away. He mumbled incoherently as the knocking increased in rhythm and volume, inhaling deeply and half-stretching.

Iruka swung open the door, not quite angrily but definitely not sedately.

Never let it be said that Iruka Umino was a morning person.

It was because of this that he didn’t notice who was at the door for several seconds.

“Hey, ‘Ruka! You’re usually up by this time.”

Fucking Mizuki.

His pale blue hair hung to his shoulders, swaying as he flicked his head back. His former friend grinned at him, younger than Iruka ever remembered him being.

He still remembered the shuriken to his back and Mizuki’s face as he stabbed him. His features twisted up in a malicious smile, more a baring of teeth as he snarled down at Naruto.

Iruka’s face paled, eyes unfocused, but Mizuki pushed past him into his house. The man shoved his shoulder as he did, snapping the teacher out of his reverie.

That dismissed the possibility of this being heaven or some hallucination about what could’ve been. There was no way he would want Mizuki there.

Iruka still felt the residual fear and adrenaline from seeing Naruto almost impaled, but he was mostly angry.

He gritted his teeth and turned, closing the door behind him. He was on the edge of screaming at the bastard, but another person here meant that the time travel or dimension travel or _whatever the fuck happened_ seemed more plausible.

This might not be the same Mizuki who tried to kill him. Not the one that only used him to get on the Hokage’s good side.

A whole different person.

So Iruka tried his best to quell his nervousness and irritation at the rude gesture.

“Ah, Mizuki. What are you doing here?” He asked as they entered the kitchen, slightly hysterical.

The other man grunted, “We haven’t hung out in a while, so I came over.”

_Waking me up and barging into my house uninvited. Sure, you just ‘came over.’_

Iruka exhaled, making sure it was properly calm.

Because he was properly calm.

It wasn’t like he wanted to punch Mizuki in his face. Not at all.

He approached the counter and started a pot of coffee, the whirring and hissing of steam filling the space. The traitor sat down at the table to wait for his drink, fiddling with the edge of the tablecloth.

“Did you hear what happened by the mission desks last week? It was a complete shitstorm.”

Iruka tuned out his rambling that eventually turned into a monologue. He set down two mugs and poured some coffee in each. He lifted it higher and lower absently, wondering how high he could go without spilling.

He slid one of the cups to Mizuki, ignoring how he didn’t thank him. His former friend sipped the drink, still talking about himself and spitting brown droplets.

Iruka didn’t bother sitting down, leaning against the wall instead.

“Damn, this is good coffee. I keep telling you to retire and become a housewife.”

Iruka gulped his drink more aggressively than usual. It could be a joke or meant as a compliment to his cooking skills. In fact, Mizuki’s tone was mocking, but not aggressive when he spoke.

The statement wasn’t inherently offensive or demeaning, so maybe Iruka was biased. However, Mizuki had been the same person from his memories so far, and Iruka knew he was unpleasant without the guise of friendship.

So, he knew that the man was a selfish, misogynistic asshole and meant the comment in a selfish, misogynistic way.

Deceptively bland, he remarked, “Well, I enjoy the job I have. It’s why I became a shinobi and not a, uh, ‘ _housewife_.’”

The other man shrugged, casually dismissing the rebuttal. He could sense that he was miffed at being corrected but merely raised an eyebrow.

Mizuki quickly slipped back into his cheerful tone, huffing, “I’m just saying it’s a good thing you’re learning to be a teacher.”

Iruka blinked. He was aware that his former friend wasn’t his friend, but he didn’t remember him being this scathing either. “What is that supposed to mean?” It came out significantly more hurt than he thought it would.

After Konoha was destroyed, Iruka had been abruptly shoved back into the field, fending for his life almost daily. He wasn’t powerful or well-known, which ended up working in his favor.

No one targeted a no-name chūnin when there were people like Gai or Genma. Iruka had a better reign on his emotions, but maybe being back in the village made him more comfortable.

And of course, the whole denial thing was still happening, so the Hokage could wear a suit made of money and a jetpack and he wouldn’t blink.

Mizuki rolled his eyes, like he had better things to do than answer reasonable questions. “You’re soft and weak, Iruka. Real shinobi have a backbone.”

He set down his mug with a clink. Was he _really_ this terrible?

Iruka was aware that he had been talked to like that when they were friends, but remembered Mizuki being subtle in dislike of him. Apparently not.

It would be different this time. Iruka had self-respect now. And standards. And more than one friend.

So he glared at Mizuki, making him blink with how much venom the look held. “Get out.”

The other man scoffed, glaring right back. “God, you’re so sensitive. Can’t you take a joke?”

But you see, mental stability was not Iruka’s friend that day.

He smashed the cup on the counter and spat, “Get the fuck out.”

Mizuki finally stood up, lip curled in disgust. He could tell the bastard was going to say something but stopped as the shorter man continued to glare.

Iruka watched him the whole way out, pretending not to notice the middle finger he gave. As soon as the door slammed, he let out a sigh. He regretted destroying his dishes, but getting Mizuki to leave was worth it.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep, but whatever was happening was trying his patience. Emotions were running high, and he couldn’t stop himself from snapping. He just couldn’t take any more of the asshole’s comments.

Mizuki was also the first person he’d talked to, and he was reasonably certain that this was real.

Assuming it was time travel, with no noticeable differences to say otherwise, he’d try his damnedest to stop whatever had destroyed Konoha. The thing was, Iruka didn’t know what had decimated the village.

He had been twenty-seven when it fell, escaping the walls and joining a group of other shinobi outside. It had been run first, ask questions later.

The destruction was so complete that there had been no time to save civilians. Iruka had been in a group with Genma, Anko, and Shikamaru, pure chance deciding who gathered with who.

As they traveled, Iruka lost track of where they were. The creatures followed, causing them to fall off course and lose time.

Genma died first.

Everyone scattered to the wind from their faction after that, waiting out whatever hunted them. It was common knowledge that no one could overpower them in less than groups of seven.

When Iruka had searched later, he found their bodies. They had been on the run for months, maybe a year, so he was back about eight years in time.

The enemy hadn’t even been created yet because of how long it took for them to gain power and influence.

The best he could do was research and wait it out.

Great.

* * *

On Monday, Iruka gathered lesson plans from the teacher he was shadowing and walked out the door. Luckily, it had been a weekend when he’d landed, so he had time to adjust.

It was a process to act calm. Iruka decided it was best to assume that he was back in time and not disrupt the natural order of things.

What he needed to stop didn’t exist yet, and he didn’t have any proof that he did come from the future. He’d fucked up when Mizuki visited, and that would cause ripples in the timeline from them not being friends.

However, he was glad of it.

Iruka’s hair was down, meticulously brushed, but not neat. Wearing a ponytail felt too much like he was trying to pretend nothing happened, and he was skilled enough to stop students from targeting his hair.

Maybe he could wear it up later, but now it was a reminder that he didn’t belong here, not really.

Iruka waved at the few people he knew in the streets, smiling faintly at some of the children he would eventually teach. It was a bit awkward when he greeted someone he hadn’t met yet and had to duck away, pretending he was looking at someone else.

Iruka slipped into the classroom a few minutes before the bell, and the teacher he was learning under gave him a weird look. To be fair, he hadn’t been late a day in his life, especially at this age. He bowed to the teacher and took his place slightly behind her as the students filed in.

Iruka’s heart squeezed as he saw their squishy cheeks and bright eyes, their smiles with missing teeth and their hands clumsy.

He caught himself as he was about to announce the lesson. He was no longer the teacher in charge. He mostly trailed behind her, helping her pass out papers and answering occasional questions.

Eventually, they were split into groups for sparring, and Iruka was given responsibility for one-half of the children.

“Remember, no chakra usage, just physical combat,” he called, gesturing for the students to form a circle. “Shikamaru and Choji are first.”

Shikamaru muttered, “What a drag.” Iruka smiled fondly.

There was something about such a tiny child saying the same thing he associated with a nearly full-grown version that was adorable. The pout on his small face only served to emphasize Iruka’s point.

He carefully observed the fight, making sure none of them got hurt despite them being about ten years old. Choji was averse to fighting, and couldn’t summon the aggressiveness he needed to win.

Shikamaru beat him quickly, but his combat wasn’t particularly skilled. Iruka went over what they could’ve done better but smiled to show that he wasn’t angry or disappointed. For such young children, they had remarkable determination.

Iruka let the fights continue, calling out different names for each round.

“Ino and Hinata.”

“Sakura and Shino.”

“Lee and Kiba.”

Honestly, watching them fight was surreal. Their tiny limbs flailed and their foreheads were scrunched in concentration as they attacked.

His reality was gone, and he wasn’t sure he would want to go back even if it wasn’t. It was Iruka’s job to stop them from being killed, to prevent the slaughter before it was even a thought in Zetsu’s mind.

“Iruka-sensei!” He blinked and looked down at the child pulling at his pant leg. “Who’s going next?” The assistant teacher looked up, refocusing on his class.

“Oh, uh, let’s go with Sasuke and Naruto.” The black-haired boy shook his hair back with a “Hn” as he stepped into the makeshift ring.

Naruto bounded forward with a snarl, yelling, “I’ll beat you for sure, bastard!”

Iruka took a moment to look at his student, still so loud and headstrong. He hadn’t known his students very well once they’d left his classroom, but Naruto held a special place in his heart. It was nostalgic, watching the two boys glare at each other and shout.

Iruka nodded at them, telling them to start.

The jinchūriki’s style was unpolished, reminding him that the boy hadn’t been trained. Had no one to teach him or even help him practice.

Sasuke easily won, standing over the other imperiously. The surrounding students laughed, jeering at his failure. Many didn’t make fun of him but scoffed and sent scornful looks.

Naruto scrambled to his feet, face burning in embarrassment even as he growled and challenged the Uchiha to a rematch. Iruka separated them, frowning at the younger boy. He was worried for him, with the way everyone made fun of him.

However, Naruto shrunk into himself, probably thinking the frown was directed at him. That made him shoot an even more venomous look at the rest of the class.

“I think that’s enough everyone, why don’t we head inside and work on some history?”

The majority of the kids groaned, slinking back towards the Academy. Iruka glanced back to Naruto, eyeing the scrapes and bruises on his elbows, too rough for them to be fully accidental. He was far more injured than the rest of the students.

“Why don’t you meet me after class?” The man turned away, so he didn’t see Naruto’s expression crumple.

Iruka did reasonably well, considering he hadn’t been an assistant teacher in years. The position also shifted more responsibility on the person he shadowed, so it wasn’t noticeable when he slipped into memories.

He waved at the children as they left, some hugging him on the way out. Iruka had missed this.

He loved teaching his students and seeing them grow. It was a wonderful experience to watch their personalities grow and change to be totally different, to see them become their own person and think _‘I helped that. I nourished that kid until they were able to be independent_.’

Naruto was the only student left, gazing down at his feet and shuffling them nervously. Iruka flicked his eyes back to the teacher grading papers, unsure if he wanted to disturb them. Deciding against it, he quickly ushered the boy out of the room.

He crouched down to Naruto’s eye level, trying to get him to look up. Iruka sighed, “Look, kid-”

At his words, the child tilted his chin up defiantly and yelled, “I didn’t do anything wrong! You can’t punish me for it!” After he finished, he raises his arms over his head protectively.

Iruka’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “You’re not in trouble, Naruto,” he exhaled softly.

That made him pause in whatever he was going to say next, closing his mouth reluctantly.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he continued. When he didn’t receive a response, Iruka brushed his hands along his damaged arms. Naruto gazed back at the man, eyeing him warily.

“Are you sure you’re not going to yell at me?”

He smiled gently, if a little sadly. “I promise. I’ll be back with the first-aid.”

The child was standing in the same place he left him when he returned, twisting his fingers into knots. Iruka carefully coaxed him into extending his arm, inspecting the damage from the match, and even some from before. He frowned at the bruises that looked days old even though their age group didn’t spar often.

“There,” he declared, smoothing down the last square bandage. Naruto still looked on edge, shuffling forward a bit before deciding to speak.

“Thank you, Iruka-sensei,” he murmured hesitantly.

The teacher stood up, gazing down at the boy with remembrance and pain and guilt all melted into one and poured onto his heart. It’ll dry, stick there stubbornly, and cling to every crevice.

It will eventually make a wonderful candle , every regret and sorrow dripping away as warmth and happiness soften it.

But not yet.

For now, the feelings cling to his heart, dark and slimy as they remind him of what has passed and what will come.

All he can do is try his best to push it away, stave off the dread and the memories to focus on the present. What is here now and who is here now.

Iruka smiled fondly, refamiliarizing himself with the young child’s features. Bright blond hair stuck up in messy spikes and his wide blue eyes stared up curiously.

As Kakashi had pointed out, and _wow_ he hadn’t thought about him in a while, Naruto’s features were all Kushina. His button nose was slightly wrinkled, and Iruka knew it would never fully grow out of its roundness.

“If someone bothers you, get me, yeah? I became a shinobi for a reason.”

Naruto gasped, his previous shyness fading away. He didn’t know his teacher very well, but the mention of fighting quickly drew his interest. “Really?”

Iruka let out an amused huff of air, “Of course.”

The boy smiled widely, showcasing the holes where his teeth had fallen out. “You wanna get ramen?”

He nodded, relieved that the child was easy to please, but also worried that people would take advantage of that trust. Naruto bounded down the street, tugging Iruka behind him.

“Come on,” he whined. The teacher didn’t run but increased his pace to keep up. The boy kept glancing back at him, his energy only growing as they reached the ramen stand.

“Old Man Teuchi!” Naruto exclaimed, jumping up on a stool. “This is Iruka! He’s gonna pay for my ramen!”

The aforementioned “Old Man Teuchi” raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Your wallet is going to suffer.”

Iruka only sighed and pulled out a wad of cash. “Just take the money before I change my mind.” Contrary to his words, he would gladly go broke while buying Naruto ramen.

The boy cheered as a bowl slid down the counter. It was almost amusing how quickly he came out of his shell if someone showed even a sliver of kindness. Iruka listened as Naruto babbled. It wasn’t the same as before. Both of them were younger and there was no history between them yet.

There was less ease in their conversation, Naruto was open, but still holding back since he expected rejection. He slurped up pounds of noodles, blue eyes bright with excitement as he talked about his day. The broth spilled drops across the counter and a smattering landed at the corner of his mouth.

Iruka reached over and wiped it away with a napkin, an action purely borne of habit, and Naruto abruptly stopped talking. He swung around to the man with sparkling eyes, tackling him in a hug.

“You’ll never get rid of me now,” he declared, squeezing tightly around his waist. Just as quickly he stepped back, expression faltering. “I mean, if that’s okay with you?”

Iruka ruffled his hair, bringing back his beaming grin. “I wouldn’t get rid of you even if I could.”

The four bowls Naruto had eaten were stacked on the tabletop, Teuchi reaching down to take them away.

As the owner passed him, he gave a slight nod. “I hope you take good care of him.” His eyes never opened, but they bore into him regardless.

His pleasant expression was only outweighed by the sheer threat in his aura.

Iruka felt in that moment that Teuchi The Raman Man held more power than he could ever hope to comprehend.

Naruto waved enthusiastically, nearly jumping as he did. “Bye, Iruka-sensei! See you tomorrow!”

The man in question waved back, resting his head on his hand as the boy left. Phase 1: Complete.

He didn’t actually have a plan, but focusing on the small things seemed to help. Iruka was a mother hen by nature, and it reassured him that Naruto was safe by taking care of him.

Trying to save the world would take effort and patience, not to mention considerable stress. He needed normalcy, and if there wasn’t any, he would make some.

Iruka got up from the table, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. He quickly left the ramen stand and wandered down the street.

He didn’t have anything to do, merely weaving through the crowds. It was too late to be especially busy, and the people were thinning quickly.

“It was quite an Uncool Move from my usually Hip Rival!” At the distinctive sound of Gai’s voice, he turned, spotting him outside a store. It was startling to watch the man stand about with working legs.

Genma and Anko were opposite him, eyebrows raised and arms crossed. Iruka suspected they were unaware of how his voice traveled and didn’t think anyone would listen to it.

“Can you go over what happened again?” Genma intoned, fiddling with the senbon in his mouth.

Gai nodded happily. “A few months ago, I came to Challenge my Eternal Rival! I declared that we would have a most Youthful competition of Speed and Strength! My Rival did not react well to my Challenge, however! He turned pale as if he had seen a ghost! My Cool and Hip Rival did not respond to my Declaration, and vanished! He took a most Youthful mission immediately after, and has been gone!”

His face turned down slightly and his enthusiasm lessened. “My Eternal Rival is now hospitalized with the most Unyouthful of injuries. They were unsure if he would make it.” Gai brightened again, “Now, they are confident my Rival will return to his Hip and Cool self in days!”

Iruka frowned. That wasn’t textbook Kakashi behavior.

The man never stopped his faux relaxation, easily intimidating people with his lazy speaking no matter the situation.

For Kakashi to be shaken, it couldn’t have just been Gai.

In his own words, he’d looked...like he’d seen a ghost.

* * *

_Gai had been in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down._

_You couldn’t exactly run for your life when your legs didn’t work._

_How would you go downstairs?_

_Catch yourself when you fall?_

_Avoid being crushed when rubble surrounds you?_

_Stop from being reduced to a wine red stain on the pavement?_

_Rock Lee had mourned the hardest, his enthusiasm waning. His eyes filled with tears and his throat closed up around the very phrases his teacher had taught him._

_An orphan; orphaned again._

* * *

Iruka cursed. If that fucker had left him alone in the past without contacting him, he was going to blow a fuse.

He was marginally insane and mainly hysterical, but that stupid fucking jōnin was definitely in for it.

If he _was_ from the past, at least.

But Iruka was mainly focused on the fact that this man went on a _suspiciously_ long mission after acting _suspiciously_ like a normal person, then hospitalized with _suspiciously_ severe injuries.

He turned away from the group, marching to the hospital like a man on a mission. He didn’t have as many connections as he used to (old students), but he was still of a good reputation and good family.

Iruka stepped into the hospital, darting over to the list of patients.

_Hatake, Kakashi | 3rd Floor_

He quickly advanced up the stairs, being careful not to seem too nervous.

“Hey, you didn’t check in!” Iruka ignored the medic.

If Kakashi wasn’t from the future, he would have a boatload of problems to solve. But he wasn’t going to assume he didn't because he might've. It was a slim probability, but if Iruka didn’t contact him when they were both from the future...well, he couldn't take that chance.

He and Kakashi didn’t get along on their best days, but he’ll be damned if he suffered one more second alone in this Hell. (It was only his third day, but oh well.)

Iruka tore open the door with the man’s name on it, ignoring the loud clack it made, and before he could think better of it, yelled, “Get your ass over here, Hatake!”

Said Hatake was halfway out the window, slipping as the teacher came in. He toppled to the floor at the shout, banging his elbow hard.

Resting his head down on the floor, Kakashi sighed. “Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but Mizuki is the kind of guy that thinks anything feminine is debasing.
> 
> This turned out more angsty than I realized, so apologies. We'll get into the fun stuff soon.


	2. Shotgun Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi sees potential for chaos. He takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where it gets less serious, but the end was kind of emotional.
> 
> I hope you like it!

“So you came back a few months ago, and didn’t think to tell anyone?”

Kakashi shrugged, nonchalantly leaning against the back of his hospital bed. “Have you told anyone?”

Iruka sniffed and lifted his chin, but he didn’t respond.

The Hatake smiled smugly behind his mask, reaching for one of his Icha Icha books. He smacked his hand away.

The man might be all relaxed posture and self-assured looks, but he was obviously relieved someone else was in the same situation. Everyone knew jōnin were batshit insane, and if

Iruka was stressed with the circumstances, he didn’t want to know what Kakashi’s thought process had been.

They’d had a...conversation. Mostly him yelling and then Kakashi seemed to realize that he remembered everything, too.

The two had a strange dynamic. They vehemently disagreed on all fronts, but sometimes it seemed more of a habit than anything else. It was more banter now, and served as the normalcy they needed.

He sat up, the sheets crinkling as he shifted. Honestly, Iruka was surprised it had taken him this long to try to leave the hospital. Gai had said he would be discharged in a few days, but that was downright sprightly for Kakashi.

The teacher was perched on the other end of his bed, at least being so courteous as to not endanger his health. He’d offered to get him some water, but his work was done as soon as he refused.

Kakashi sighed, the amusement in his eyes never fading. “The million dollar question,” he muttered, “What do we do now?”

They looked up as a rumbling was heard from down the hall.

A horde of medics came in the door, the lead one declaring, “You aren’t permitted to visit him, Iruka-sensei.” They took making sure Kakashi didn’t escape very seriously, as shown by the almost militarian formation the medics were in.

The teacher squawked in affront, causing Kakashi to snicker. Iruka shot him a glare as two unreasonably buff nurses approached him. They flanked him, reaching for a handhold to stop him from running. Reluctantly, he let them hold both of his arms to escort him out.

Iruka was dragged away like a criminal, and from his suitably conflicted face, he knew it. He stared balefully at the amused patient, eyes narrowing further with each second he didn’t help.

“Farewell, my beau,” Kakashi called, draping himself across the sheets like a proper lovelorn lass. The thin blanket he’d been given was arranged to look like an elegant, if somewhat raunchy, skirt.

The teacher met his eyes and mouthed, “Fuck. You.”

The door slammed shut behind him.

* * *

“You can’t just quit ANBU.”

Kakashi stood in front of the Hokage’s desk, holding his resignation forms. Said Hokage had his head in his hands. He might have been crying.

“My boy, you have to at least give a reason.”

He was grasping at straws, and he knew it. You couldn’t really tell someone with such a delicate mental state as Kakashi no, he could have a psychotic break and leave the village.

Konoha couldn’t handle that powerful of an enemy right now.

Kakashi paused while he thought. There was no way he’d become a teacher, not yet anyway.

Well, there was this one plot of Icha Icha where-

“Kakashi!”

He eye-smiled at the man, a terrible, terrible idea forming. “Marital Leave.”

The Hokage blew out a breath. He couldn’t let his temper get the better of him, even if he was talking to an overgrown child who’s personality had done a complete 180. “We all know you’re gay, so you can’t get married. Gay marriage hasn’t been legal since Hashirama.”

Kakashi held up a hand, “But you don’t have all the facts.”

The Hokage raised an eyebrow, “Which are?”

“I love him.”

It was dead silent. The older man’s tear tracks had dried, but were quickly run over by new ones. He regretted becoming Hokage, he regretted becoming a ninja, he regretted being born. He threw the pile at Kakashi.

“Just take the damn marriage papers.”

* * *

Iruka woke up in the middle of the night to a crash. With all the rage he could gather at the asscrack of dawn, he walked into his kitchen with a kunai in hand.

He stopped when he saw Kakashi sprawled on the floor, and an open window behind him. It was unusual for him to be so loud, and Iruka quickly spotted the grin on his face. He could feel its smug aura even behind the mask.

That meant he was _planning_.

“What did you do.” It was more of a statement than a question, but Kakashi answered anyway.

He sat up and smacked a pen down on the table. “Sign the papers. We’re getting married.”

Iruka drew back, blinking a few times. Yes, Kakashi was still there. Not a hallucination. “What reason do we have to get married?”

The other man leapt forward, grabbing the brunet’s hands in his own. He spoke in a whisper, but every word was vibrating with suppressed excitement.

“Just imagine Anko’s reaction. Every jonin’s reaction. Konoha’s reaction. There’s me, a famous shinobi with status attached to my name and all around regarded as mentally unstable. Then there’s you. Practically no one really knows you, but everyone agrees you’re respectable.”

Iruka slowly felt the idea forming in his mind. He’d put his prankster days behind completely.

There was no way he would marry Kakashi and mess with everyone just for fun. Right?

_He was a responsible adult. He was a responsible adult. **He was a responsible adult.**_

“Give me the fucking pen,” he declared. 

Not gonna lie, Iruka felt like a bad bitch.

Kakashi was filthy rich and lived off of soldier pills, so his money wasn’t going anywhere. At approximately 2 am, they had gotten married and bought a pair of rings that were appropriately gaudy.

Iruka had almost bought a feather boa to wear into the store just to flaunt his wealth.

They really weren’t all that bad, but they were shinobi that needed practical jewelry, and the rings were not practical.

Despite his enthusiasm for abusing their knowledge, Iruka refused the one with a gem the size of a quarter. It would have been sparkly, but attracted too much notice.

He’d gotten a diamond ring on a gold band (you know, the cheap stuff), and luckily it didn’t need resizing. Kakashi had gotten it engraved with the word, ‘ _Hound_ ’, because, “We can be romantic, too, Iruka. Sasuke and Naruto don’t have it monopolized just because they’re ‘soulmates’ or some bullshit.”

The other man's band was a rose gold color, the texture looking almost braided. Iruka didn't think to ask about the engraving.

“Does that mean you’re the woman in this relationship?” Kakashi had drawled, tone teasing.

Iruka had rolled his eyes. “I think the whole point about this relationship is that there is no woman. Also, say another thing about my jewelry preferences and I’ll punch you in the face.”

He’d put a hand to his face as if he could feel the threat, and backed off though they both knew Iruka couldn’t have landed a hit on him.

Kakashi, having resigned from ANBU, lounged on his couch, surrounded by bottles of wine and piles of tissue paper. They’d rode on the high of not - being - destroyed - under - the - weight - of - crushing - anxiety - and - being - completely - alone and splurged on stereotypical wedding gifts.

Kakashi’s mask was down, not really caring that he saw, as he poured himself a cup of wine.

“So, what’d you mess up in this timeline?”

Iruka flopped down on top of his legs, admiring his ring. The jewel glittered in the light. He wasn’t one for sparkly things, but he wanted to indulge if it was Kakashi paying.

He winced at the question, averting his eyes. “I might’ve gotten angry when Mizuki came over.”

He tipped his head, intrigued. “Do you mean _‘got aggressively polite’_ angry or _‘you could hear your patience snap like a convenience store cracker’_ angry?”

Iruka groaned, burying his head in his hands. “The second one.”

Kakashi’s lips tilted up at his embarrassment. “Doesn’t he also become a teacher soon?”

The other man groaned louder, sinking low into his seat. “Yes,” he mumbled.

He leaned forward, eyes lighting up in sadistic glee. “And you’ll have to work with him?”

“You already know the answer, you ass.”

He placed a hand on his heart, pouting in offense. “That’s mean, you should be nicer to your husband, Iruka.”

“I’m marrying you for your money and nothing more,” he mumbled bitterly.

Kakashi paused. “Wait, is that something we should do? I’m the besotted and gullible husband and you’re the manipulative golddigger? You rob me blind as I pine away?”

Iruka’s head thumped back against the couch in exasperation, “If anything, you’re the manipulative golddigger.”

He snorted. “You’re living on a teacher’s wage. Not even that, an _assistant_ teacher’s wage.”

The shorter man shoved him, scowling when he didn’t budge. “It’s the fact of the matter. You already exploit people for your own gain.”

Kakashi watched the teacher shove him, waiting a good ten seconds before pretending to flop to the floor. It was such a mocking delayed reaction, he almost applauded himself.

“Ah, the joys of marriage,” he deadpanned, face squished on the wood.

* * *

When Iruka woke up, he was surrounded by dogs. Four or five were curled up around and on top of him.

Kakashi’s nin-dogs had traveled back with him, and they _‘needed to familiarize themselves with their new home.’_

Iruka had accepted that he’d gotten married before the age of twenty-one. It was strange how he couldn’t legally drink but had gotten hitched.

Honestly, he felt like those people who married right out of school and divorced 2 years later with three kids and ten more causes of gray hair.

He had no doubt his husband was behind him being crushed. Iruka wouldn’t dare wake the dogs on him, and Kakashi knew it.

So he suffered in silence.

The man in question waltzed into the bedroom, holding a plate of bacon and eggs that he ate himself. Iruka was desperately hungry, and he grew more irate when he didn’t share.

“Kakashi,” he said slowly, “would you be a dear and take your dogs off me?”

The man settled his weight on the doorway, staring into his soul blandly. “Wow, does your back hurt?” There was absolutely no emotion in his tone, face blank as they faced off. “That reminds me of when-”

“Wait no-”

“It just got me thinking about-”

“Kakashi, please-”

“I’m just saying, this is kind of similar to-”

“For the love of-”

“-how you told me I had to sleep on the couch.”

“Well, you could’ve slept on the futon-”

“I told you my back hurt and you said, and I quote, ‘then perish.’”

Iruka spluttered angrily, “You-you were making lascivious comments!”

Kakashi lifted his eyes to the ceiling, mouthing ‘lascivious’ incredulously. “Lascivious,” he repeated, mouth forming oddly around the word,“Who even says that?”

“I do!” He replied indignantly.

Kakashi sighed, snapping his fingers to get the dogs attention. It seemed to be some kind of signal, and they quickly hopped off his bed. They followed the man as he left, eagerly trotting after him.

Iruka gaped at the traitors.

However, he was quickly distracted by getting ready for school. He threw on his clothes and weapons pouch, running a brush through his hair. Iruka already knew what they were learning today, so he didn’t have to leaf through notes.

It wasn’t like he had to do much anyway.

He wasn’t late, but felt a need to hold up his impeccable record of being a timely person. He went into the kitchen for a granola bar, at least trying to stay healthy.

He retrieved his food, but stopped as he passed by Kakashi at the table. He watched in horror and fascination as the man dipped his _egg_ in _orange juice_ and _ate it whole_. The yolk, the white, the dripping juice, all in one.

It actually took a second for him to stop being traumatized.

Iruka stepped forward and mockingly kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll see you in Hell,” he smiled sweetly.

Kakashi maintained eye contact as he swallowed his disgusting concoction. “Tell them who sent you.”

Iruka walked down the street, wind whipping his hair into his face. This was a totally normal day and he was a totally normal person.

He had common sense.

It was just something about Kakashi’s ridiculousness that made him want to one up him.

Iruka’d rather not picture the faces of his students if they saw their interaction.

He avoided the eyes of the people in the streets, which was ridiculous. There was no way they would know that he married someone who ate eggs and orange juice together.

That was a shame he would keep close to his chest.

Iruka entered the classroom on time, setting down a stack of papers on the teacher’s desk. They nodded at him and he sighed in relief. Quickly smoothing down his ruffled hair, he picked up a length of chalk and began writing the lesson name on the board.

It was silent in the classroom, only the slow creaking of the window under the wind broke it.

A few stragglers wandered into the room, Shikamaru immediately laying his head down to sleep. It seemed like a lazy day, the dark cloud rolling overhead somehow calm. With the rain coming, they definitely wouldn’t be going outside.

Even the more boisterous students didn’t cause much noise, only chatting quietly.

Iruka smiled as Naruto bounded in, hugging his legs with a “Sensei!” before sitting down. His enthusiasm for him was endearing, and his irritation from that morning faded.

The teacher sent him a disapproving look, and he winced. They walked over to take the papers he’d brought in, leaning in so their mouth was by his ear.

“Don’t interact with him,” they hissed and they passed him, eyeing him over their glasses.

Iruka blinked. He had _not_ remembered that much hatred toward Naruto. He was an orphan that needed care, and he thought that his treatment had only been on the worse end of the orphan spectrum.

He had been disliked in class, yes, but it seemed like a normal, if unfavorable, reaction to a child living in poverty.

Iruka watched Naruto the rest of class, the isolation and sadness almost visible to anyone looking. His memories were dulled with time, and he couldn’t remember much of Naruto’s life before they’d become close.

Seeing it firsthand made the boy’s rejection all the more fresh.

If he could marry Kakashi after knowing him for one day (this time), then he could damn well emotionally adopt Naruto.

And maybe legally, if Hiruzen stopped being a dick.

Kakashi was enjoying his life right about now.

Sure, last week he was on the edge of an emotional breakdown because he thought his subconscious was just reminding him of what could have been. But that was irrelevant. He was married.

Kakashi Hatake was now a family man.

The rain had begun to clear up, and he walked along the roofs with his hands in his pockets. His mask was back up and his headband slanted over his eye, the quarter of his face visible appropriately clear.

Whistling, he pulled out his Icha Icha book, only using half his concentration to focus on walking without falling.

How he whistled for that long with a skin tight mask on, we do not know. I don’t think we’ll ever know.

Kakashi was technically on medical leave, and couldn’t take missions even if he wanted to, not even D-rank. He meandered off of the roof and walked by the empty training grounds, dropping to sit in the shade of a tree.

He absentmindedly flipped through the well-worn pages, a gust of wind sending a splatter of raindrops frighteningly close to the paper. Kakashi tucked the paper half in towards his chest and looked up.

The sun had broken through the clouds a little before noon, and there wasn’t even a drizzle.

Just his poor choice of seating. He eyed the leaves warily.

But he wasn’t going to move. He wasn’t going to let the water win.

He could feel it taunting him.

Kakashi pulled out his bento decisively. Take _that_ rain.

It was terribly cutesy, something he’d seen on his mission in a store. He’d arranged it in a normal enough container, the sides dark blue with little green leaves on them.

The food, however, was molded into a cat with different pieces making up the ears and whiskers. There were little hearts made of sushi, and Kakashi picked one up carefully.

He'd spotted the food in the window and thought, _‘It’s absolutely adorable and no one would ever pay for that. I love it.’_

“My Eternal Rival!”

He sighed as Gai slid into view, green jumpsuit on full display. He’d missed the man desperately, but not his fashion choice.

Kakashi would avert his eyes, and they would land on bright orange leg warmers. He’d focus on his face, and that atrocious bowl cut would come into view.

“I have come to Challenge you! Do you wish to run laps around the village with no shoes? Or perhaps climb the Hokage Tower and hang by our kees from the top?”

“I’m eating lunch, but maybe after?”

Gai glanced down at his food, already half destroyed from Kakashi fiddling with it. He would never have eaten something like it at this time, so the other man assumed someone had made it for him.

“Oh ho! Has my rival finally gotten a boyfriend? He must be quite extraordinary for you to take an interest in him!”

It wasn’t a serious question. Gai knew that he wasn’t in a romantic relationship and was just teasing, probably hoping his rival would engage in the _‘Springtime of Youth’_ eventually.

Kakashi lifted his chopsticks to correct him, but stopped. “Ah, no. My husband made it for me,” he said, staring down at his pitiful store bought lunch.

The Cat made of rice looked at him in disappointment. He felt a little guilty for not doing the store that created The Cat justice.

The Green Beast of Konoha actually fell over. “...Ah, I did not know you were engaged, my rival.”

“It’s our anniversary.”

The man blinked rapidly, smile frozen on his face.

Yeah, Gai, stop ruining our one day anniversary.

“You...have not introduced this man to me, Rival. How did you manage to hide such fortuitous news?” The question was stilted, words tottering over each other clumsily. If he hadn’t known better, he would think he saw a bit of Youth fade from his eyes.

Kakashi affected a dreamy expression, putting his book down to dramatically look into the distance. “We met yesterday in the hospital...but how was I ever to know it would turn out like this?”

A tear formed in his eye, threatening to fall and make an appropriately romantic, echoey sound as it landed in a mysterious body of water. It happened in all the good shows.

Gai laughed, the sound unnaturally loud. “I think you should wait until all your friends are gathered to tell such a story!”

The Hatake rested a hand on his cheek, the motion made even more ridiculous by his mask. “But my husband is just too wonderful! It was love at first sight, and I-”

“IN FACT I SHALL FETCH THEM NOW!” He interrupted, confusion and hopelessness twisting his features as he skidded away.

Kakashi snickered once he left, tucking his book into his shirt pocket. Standing up, he swung his hands over his head in a stretch. He wasn’t going to wait for him to bring back a group of Gai’s friends, who barely knew Kakashi but cared for Gai's sake, to question him.

It would take some time before he even gathered enough courage to ask him who his husband was.

His back popped and he exhaled, resuming his slouch.

As wonderful as it was to baffle Gai, he enjoyed riling up Iruka even more. His face would flush red, emphasizing his scar, and his nose would scrunch cutely in indignation.

Speaking of annoying his husband, school should be ending soon.

* * *

Iruka scratched at his nose in irritation. It was mostly a listing of facts in class that day, and everyone was restless. Therefore, it had been hours upon hours on getting children in line only for them to not pay attention.

Sighing, Iruka ran a hand through his hair, the ends tickling his cheekbones as they moved. He exited the Academy almost an hour after the class was already dismissed for the day.

Iruka started back towards the apartment, a bag slung over one shoulder.

As he walked, someone thumped down behind him, and he whirled around frantically with his bag in hand. “If you LOOK at me, I will _stomp_ you to death with my hooves!”

Kakashi stood in the middle of the road, a bemused expression on his face. “You don’t have hooves, darling,” he explained gently, as if talking to a child.

Iruka flushed, but stood his ground, not lowering his weapon. “Don’t test me, _sweetheart_.” He tacked on the endearment at the end, but the other man just seemed amused.

“If I do test you, you’ll...stomp me to death with your hooves?”

The teacher nodded confidently, “I will.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, and he fought the urge to squirm. “You do that,” he said, but the tone was strange. It was as if his favorite aunt had given him a strange, new toy. He enjoyed it because it was from her, but had no idea what it was.

Iruka huffed and continued forward, letting Kakashi fall into step next to him. They were silent for a moment before he spoke. “So Gai may know that we’re married now...”

He rolled his eyes, “Isn’t that the whole purpose of getting married? So people can know?”

The Hatake pouted. “He’s probably trying to find a nice way to suggest I get checked by a Yamanaka for marrying a man I just met, but I thought he’d at least cry.”

“You shouldn’t make your friends cry,” Iruka chided. This felt strangely like a conversation he had with Sasuke that day. He was nine.

He sighed again and looked up at Kakashi. He wasn’t that much taller, which made him feel smug for some reason, but he still had to look up even as the man slouched.

Iruka let out a bark of laughter, gripping the strap of his bag tightly to stop them from tapping nervously. “We’re really doing this, huh?”

Kakashi's gaze flicked over to him, but it quickly returned to the sky ahead of them. “My, my, sensei, whether we like it or not, we’re now each other’s most precious person,” he drawled, oddly quiet.

It was the after lunch lull, and no other person entered their street, leaving it barren.

“We aren’t close. We have other people that are precious. What makes us more so?” Iruka whispered, watching the other man as their steps slowed.

“No one knows that you took a fuma shuriken in the back for Naruto, how deeply you care for you students. There isn’t anyone in Konoha right now who’s seen who you really are, watched you be tried and tested until you’ve broken to see the core of your soul.”

Iruka paused. They had come to a full stop in the center of the road. The sun had started to set early, but it wasn’t evening yet, so there were only the lightest touches of orange along the skyline.

“You just resigned from ANBU, yeah?” If they were getting emotional, he was going to do it right.

“I don’t know why you went into ANBU, but I know about your teacher and your teammates. I know how you got your eye and I know what your face looks like. I watched you fight for your village and your students, I saw your expression when the village fell.”

Iruka took a breath. They were both staring at each other now. “Most importantly, I know your grief. We’re here to stop whatever went wrong, so no one else will have to experience what we did. In that way, it ties us together. You and I are the only people that know and grieve for what will never happen, and maybe that means we’ll be the only people that will fully understand each other.”

“It’s a partnership,” he added, both frighteningly weak and steely at the same time.

Kakashi closed his eyes briefly, seeming to absorb his words. “Marriage or this situation?”

Iruka’s lips ticked up slightly. “Both. We’d go insane alone. You had the worst of it, being by yourself for months. Saving the world is a heavy burden to bear.”

He nodded slightly in acknowledgement, allowing him to continue.

Iruka let out a huff of breath, letting his head tip back to look up at the barely visible stars as a half smile curled on his face.

They were out early, faint against the light blue sky. “Burdens are better carried together than apart, don’t you think?”

Kakashi followed his gaze.

The sky was nothing like it had been back then. No smoke covering the sun or explosions dulling the moon. The colors were calm and soothing, not bathed in a red haze. From blood or from anger, they could never tell.

But they straightened and continued back home, the silence more comfortable, more trusting.

And they thought maybe, just maybe, it would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there were memes in there. I will only reference more vines as time goes on. You cannot stop me.
> 
> The 'stomp you to death with my hooves' is from John Mulaney. He's funny. I'm sorry if you think he's not, because his humor is definitely in this.
> 
> Also...I just couldn't think of an engraving on the ring because I'm not creative. Feel free to suggest something, but I might just never say what it is.


	3. Domesticity? In My Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is absorbed into their cult of happiness and confusing people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's more likely than you think.
> 
> Again, I've started making absolutely no sense, but the end had feels. I'm beginning to sense a pattern. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Iruka walked along the path, Naruto skipping behind him. A beaming grin spread across his face, scars stretching with his expression. Iruka had promised to take him to the park after school on Friday, so they were stopping at his house first to put away their possessions.

“Is your husband nice? Will he like me? Is your house big? Do you have a pet?”

Naruto was currently babbling questions about his house, not giving him any time to answer. Most would find it annoying or disrespectful, but he just smiled indulgently.

Iruka never took his eyes off him, occasionally reaching out to nudge him away from a passerby or keep his school supplies from falling out of his arms.

They came into his apartment loudly, the blond boy dropping his books on the floor. They scattered, and he hopped over them before dashing into the kitchen.

“Naruto, you shouldn’t put your books on the floor,” Iruka called, but began picking them up anyway. He started stacking them up off to the side, but decided to leave them there for now. He strolled into the living room to find his students and husband staring at each other, tension crackling as they glared.

He swore he could hear “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” playing in the background as they faced off.

A tumbleweed might’ve blown by.

After several minutes, Kakashi nodded. “I accept you into Iruka’s life.”

Iruka choked at the proclamation, jerking forward even though he was too far away to do anything.

Naruto merely squinted back at the man. He was too small to get into the Hatake’s face, but he raised his chin to meet his eyes. Their height difference was laughable, Kakashi slouching and Naruto drawing himself up on tiptoes, but still so far apart.

The child’s glare intensified, raising on his tiptoes in aggravation. “I don’t trust you. You’re u-unsub-, unsut-,”

“Unsuitable,” Kakashi provided blandly.

Naruto raised a triumphant finger, “Unsuitable! For the position of Iruka’s husband.”

The teacher’s spluttering grew even more intense, “We’re married, and you can’t do anything about it. That’s not how it works-”

“How much will it cost me?” Kakashi asked coolly as he reached into his pocket, with far too much seriousness for Iruka’s liking.

“Darling. Dearest. Love of my life. You can not bribe a ten year old.”

Ignoring him, Naruto eyed the wad of bills he pulled out. “Seven dollars.”

“Four dollars.”

“Five and you play in the park with me.”

Kakashi contemplated for a moment, then nodded grimly. “You drive a hard bargain, but you have a deal, Mr. Uzumaki.”

Naruto made grabby hands at the bills, counting them and checking their authenticity. “You’re building a sandcastle with me when we get there.”

The man sighed. “I know.”

Iruka watched their interaction fondly, if not strangely. He had been living with Kakashi for almost a week, and been dealing with him for much longer, so he was disappointingly used to this.

He sighed, running a hand down his face, “Let’s just go.”

The boy raced out the door with a cheer, jumping over the stack of books that his teacher had half stacked on the floor. The opening and closing of the door echoed through his home, and he blinked dumbly.

Kakashi, newly Naruto Approved™, swaggered out after him.

Iruka stood there for a moment, staring into space in his empty house. A few strands of hair fell out of the low bun he was wearing, descending to float lazily around his face.

He’d just watched a small child insult his husband, menace coming from him in waves. Said husband had then bribed said child, bartering away five dollars and his soul in the form of watching Naruto at the park.

It was insane.

Why did he marry this strange man and want to adopt this strange child?

“You coming, Darling?” Kakashi asked in a sing-song voice, probably knowing the mental turmoil he caused and enjoyed it.

Iruka staggered outside, closing the door behind him with his body and leaning against it. He thunked his head back, breathing deeply as he consciously tried to smooth out the creases of his forehead.

“Yeah, you coming, Sensei?”

Naruto’s cheek was squished against Kakashi’s shoulder, arms flung around his neck and squeezing tightly. The man held him easily, on account of him being a ninja and the blond being unnervingly small for a ten year old.

His lips were curved into a pout, the rest of him clinging to his support tightly as if he chemically bonded. Iruka had no doubt Kakashi was also pouting behind his mask, visible eye wide and innocent as he held onto Naruto just as securely.

For two supposedly bitter enemies, they looked awfully close.

It was also unfairly adorable.

Yeah. This was why he kept this strange man and child around.

Because he was a weak, weak man.

“I’m coming,” he muttered, walking briskly past the pair with a small smile.

* * *

Naruto had insisted on walking only a few minutes into their journey, wriggling out of Kakashi’s hold onto the dirt road. His energy bubbled out of him, so he was constantly bouncing, giggling, or jumping around as they continued forward.

He skipped along between Iruka and Kakashi, holding each of their hands as he went. Naruto swung them forcefully, so their interlaced hands were more pronounced. It wasn’t quite comfortable, but it entertained him.

He tried to jump a couple of times, and they tried their best to hold him up as he landed. He wasn’t airborne for more than a couple of seconds, but his eyes lit up and his mouth fell open.

Naruto giggled, shouting, “Again! Again!”

You could call Iruka a helicopter parent because he was, even to fully grown adults. You could say he nagged people about their health and fussed over his students, but he was responsible.

His fussing was about their health, safety, and mental well-being. He would make people eat their vegetables and brush their teeth, stop them from playing with knives and causing property damage.

Kakashi, however, did not naturally take care of anyone. It took a lot of time to become even a passing acquaintance, but he latched onto people and stayed there.

Kakashi had only known ten year old Naruto for a day, and Iruka could already tell he was going to spoil him rotten, buy him anything he wanted while still seeming like he wasn’t totally under the child’s control.

He was probably the type to worry over Naruto when he got hurt, being overbearing and overprotective for the foreseeable future. It was only going to get worse with him being younger and more attached to Kakashi.

When Naruto was older, he could kick ass. But now, the Hatake had a small human who was totally dependent on him, and it was a new experience.

Iruka could see it in the way he watched Naruto. It was emotionless as usual, but there was a purpose there. His one eye was completely focused on the swinging child, watching and cataloguing every detail of the moment.

Iruka bet that he knew what angle the kid’s bent knee was, down to the decimal.

It was cute, though.

If he was being honest, Iruka was relieved when they arrived at the park. His arm had never gotten such a workout, but he didn’t have the heart to ask them to stop.

Naruto took in the park with wide eyes, head snapping from side to side as he looked. He obviously hadn’t been to the park often enough, and Iruka’s Hand For Strangling Fools twitched.

Kakashi, already having traded away his time for playing, was quickly dragged over to push him on the swings. Iruka blew him a kiss as the blond tugged him away.

He didn’t want to interrupt their bonding time, so he carefully arranged their items on a nearby bench. Sure, their belongings included basically nothing since he’d put away their school supplies at the apartment, but he pretended that they kept him occupied.

In less than twenty minutes, Kakashi collapsed on the bench beside him, forehead protector askew. His pants and mask both had sand on them, and he was far more tired than a shinobi of his caliber should have been.

What kind of husband would he be if he didn’t laugh at the other’s misery?

“How did you distract him?” He asked, snickering slightly.

Kakashi looked up at him, seeming properly exhausted, and pointed across the grass to where his dogs were chasing Naruto around.

Iruka looked between the smiling blond and his sorry state and laughed.

Laughed.

Right in his face.

The brunet left him to rest, and darted over to scoop up Naruto from behind. The child shrieked, giggling madly as the man lifted him.

He watched, mildly betrayed. Yes, Kakashi had bribed his acceptance with money and his dogs, but guess who was the favorite dad parental figure?

Three dogs surrounded them, immediately congregating around Naruto as he was set down. The blond took off and the four others chased him, darting between bushes and the smattering of other children.

Kakashi flopped his head against the back of the bench, closing his eyes as he listened to the screaming of children. He was not the best person at handling children, but he knew this one.

Did he get married and adopt child-Naruto in one week? Yes.

But was he happy with that decision and had enjoyed his time with them? Also yes. Regrettably.

Some unfeeling tool used for the good of Konoha he was.

Kakashi had become apathetic in the months previous, the life he’d lived in ANBU dangerously easy to slip back into. Just countless killings and sleepless nights, no room for thoughts or feelings.

But once he was out...he could admit he’d gotten carried away. Nevertheless, Kakashi of the Sharingan had become a house-husband.

A house-spouse if you will.

You might say, _‘I don’t see him wearing an apron, and he is capable of taking missions and making money.’_ However, he was technically not supposed to take missions.

He had definitely violated that rule before, and everyone had given up on stopping him, but he milked that excuse. Kakashi’s whole life now involved lounging around Iruka’s apartment, interacting with the man himself (ignoring the obscene amount of sexual tension), and now co-parenting Naruto.

Frightening Gai had been fun, but Kakashi was still waiting for him to rally the meager troops and interrogate him. He’d even prepared suitably vague answers and lovesick expressions.

Iruka was such a person that lovesick expressions could easily be made when thinking about him.

Fake lovesick expressions. Obviously.

“Uh...Excuse me?”

Kakashi made an annoyed sound and cracked open his eye reluctantly, peering out at a short woman with cropped blonde hair.

Human interaction. Ugh.

She fiddled with a button on her clothes nervously before speaking. “You have a lot of respect around the village, but I don’t think you’re doing your reputation any favors by associating with the demon boy.”

The audacity.

Did people actually hear themselves when talking about a literal child.

He rolled his head up lazily, cracking his neck as his stare bore into hers. “Is that so?”

She nodded hesitantly. “I’m sure you love your...husband, but you shouldn’t associate with a,” she lowered her voice, “sympathizer.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, glancing over to a squealing Naruto as Iruka tickled him, smiles stretching their faces. He looked back to the woman with a scathing expression twisting her features. He slid his eyes to his husband and back again, exaggerating how ludicrous her hateful tone was directed at an overjoyed child and the beaming man grinning over him.

“Ah, I see,” he murmured slowly, not seeing at all.

The woman looked thrilled, straightening up confidently, “I’m so glad you’ve-”

“You’re jealous of me.”

She froze, brows furrowing and mouth scrunching with displeasure. “No, actually-”

“You want to steal my kid from me!”

If possible, she was even more affronted, previously narrowed eyes wide in shock. “Please, I’m not interested in your _child_.”

The word sounded funny in her mouth, as if she wanted to spit it out and stomp on it.

Kakashi stood up smoothly, spine rolling up gradually. His tone took on a shrillnes that he hadn’t believed himself capable of. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

“No, you’re not _just_ interested in Naruto.”

She took a step back, and he knew he had to act quickly or she would leave.

“You-you homewrecker!” He shouted loud enough for the entire park to hear, pointing a finger in her direction accusingly. Everyone froze and turned towards them, including Iruka and Naruto. He was pretty sure his husband’s was the only face that showed suppressed amusement barely concealed with a thin layer of disapproval.

A few parents slapped hands over their children’s ears as they themselves leaned closer.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he shouted, pressing a hand to his chest as if clutching pearls. “Approaching me only to suggest I leave my husband, ogling him the entire time!”

The woman flushed, raising her chin as she jerked back in surprise. “I didn’t!”

Iruka sauntered over, Naruto perched on his hip and the dogs trotting behind him. “How could you do such a thing, during our honeymoon even,” he shook his head sadly.

Kakashi swooned in his arms, smirking under his mask as the woman spluttered.

“That’s not even remotely what happened!”

Naruto, that beautiful, beautiful child of chaos, looked unconvinced and said accusingly, “Do you think Mr. Iruka-sensei’s husband was lying?”

The crowd gasped dramatically, and Iruka supported Kakashi and Naruto as he glared at her, the three dogs pooled at his feet.

“You know what? Never talk to me, my husband,” he piled one dog in the boy’s arms and the others haphazardly on top of Kakashi, “Or my four children ever again.”

And then they left.

The circle of people gathered around the woman might’ve heard faint cackling as the group left, but they couldn’t be sure.

Kakashi was, in fact, cackling. His smug smile never left, even faced with his dogs’ impassiveness. It helped that Iruka was bent over at the waist, wheezing violently as he leaned against a wall.

He slumped against the taller man, muffled chuckles still spilling between his lips.

Naruto stood in front of them with Bull in his arms, his back legs dangling as the blond supported his front legs. He stared up at the two, forehead scrunched adorably in confusion.

“What’s a homewrecker?”

Kakashi let out a suspicious not-cough sounding cough as Iruka blinked, trying for a teaching moment. He knelt down to the child’s level, brown hair swaying with the movement.

“It’s when someone tries to date someone who is already married, and they try to destroy the marriage.”

Naruto gasped, eyes wide. “You mean that woman wanted to destroy your marriage?”

Iruka looked to Kakashi and the other man huffed in exasperation but straightened. “No, but she was saying some very mean things.”

Wow. He was almost impressed with Kakashi’s ability to talk to children without permanently traumatizing them.

Well, it was a good job considering it was Kakashi.

“We’re actually time traveling ninja who came from the future to stop the apocalypse.”

Nevermind.

He shot a panicked look at Naruto, turning to hiss, “You can’t just tell a ten year old that, I thought we weren’t going to tell anyone!”

Kakashi shrugged languidly, “Are we not time traveling ninja from the future?”

“Kinda, yes, we are, but-”

He groaned over the rest of his sentence. “You’re already attached to him and I _may_ have slightly sentimental feelings toward the child, so why not induct him into our cult?”

Iruka paused as he thought that over. Naruto would become more aware as he got older and probably catch on eventually. He would most likely tell someone if they told him now, if only by accident, but he was ten. Who would take him seriously?

He spun back towards the still baffled Naruto, smiling brightly as if they didn’t have a conversation behind his back. “Would you like to know about the future and use it to mess with people?”

Naruto grinned, leaning forward eagerly as the words offer registered. This child was a prankster, and Iruka knew the key words.

* * *

“Alright! First rule of Knowing About The Future Club: we don’t _talk_ about Knowing About The Future Club.”

Naruto nodded seriously from where he was seated on Iruka’s couch. Well, from Kakashi’s lap, who was sitting on the couch.

He could be as angsty as a teenager who lip synced to My Chemical Romance, but he was no match for that cursed thing that was _‘caring about his sensei’s son and wanting to make him happy.’_ So in his lap Naruto sat.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. “You didn’t have to say that, it literally has no bearing on the current events.”

Iruka narrowed his eyes, “Was it not your idea to marry me and tell Naruto about this?”

He was silent.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You can’t make terrible decisions if you’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.”

Naruto took the information surprisingly well, all smiles and “That’s so cool!”

After enduring all the questions, Kakashi plopped him down on a chair in the kitchen. They tried to be honest, but they were prone to massive understatements in the presence of a small child.

Takeout was a staple in their home, because figuring out what the hell was going on took precedence, but they had a kid who needed nutrition.

Both Kakashi and Iruka were orphans who grew up without an adult to pay the proper amount of attention to them, so they could easily cook for themselves. Nothing fancy, just the basics of rice, noodles, and cutting up fruits and vegetables.

Kakashi _could_ make intricate dishes if he wanted to, but he was an asshole, so he didn’t.

“I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to boil Miso!”

“Why would you even think of boiling fucking Miso Soup? You were in charge of the rice,” Kakashi said, voice tinged with exasperation.

“You can’t blame me for wanting to be helpful!”

“Well, I just did!”

Naruto studied them, head moving like he was watching a particularly interesting ping-pong match. When there was a lull in their argument, the boy minced forward.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he whispered, hands cupped around his mouth.

Iruka sighed, regretting their screaming match and he crouched down, trying to squash the voice narrating in his head.

_This was a parental gesture. He was a father figure. He’d adopted Naruto in a week._

Take that Hiruzen.

He leaned until the boy’s cupped hands were aligned with his ear, even Kakashi waiting patiently for him to say his piece. Naruto took a deep breath in and screamed.

“FUCK!”

Then he leaned back, grinning proudly. Iruka blinked.

Once.

Twice.

He opened his mouth and closed it.

Iruka felt as if this was supposed to be a Life Lessons™ moment, but couldn’t even find the words.

Several long seconds later, Kakashi swung Naruto up, raising him to the ceiling like a strangely malevolent Simba. The man gazed up at him adoringly, voice cracking as he declared, “Iruka, he’s perfect.”

* * *

Eventually, he clarified that he did not support swearing, but merely the pure chaos Naruto radiated.

“Iruka, this boy is everything I’ve ever aspired to be and is a massive advantage in baffling people.” Kakashi’s hands were curled, almost into O shapes, and slightly outstretched as he explained.

“Have you considered that he is a person and you care about him?”

“I don’t see how this has anything to do-”

Iruka propped a hand on his hip, condescension dripping from every syllable. “We’re not keeping him if you don’t like him.”

Kakashi sighed. “I do...hold some affection. For Naruto. And don’t want him to die,” he struggled, barely managing to force the words out and articulate his thoughts.

And wow, look at those justified issues flaring up, y’all. It’s almost like...all the people he was connected to died and he felt abandoned, manifesting in an aversion to future connections for fear of being left behind again.

But nevertheless, Kakashi got what he wanted.

Dinner was a bust, and the three stared in the complete disgust at the piles of dishes. They’d forgotten about the rest of the food and it was burnt, crusted to the pots in ungraceful lumps.

Kakashi haphazardly dumped the dishes in the sink, piling them up unsteadily.

“You’re washing them later,” Iruka muttered.

Naruto sat on the counter after he’d been set down there, but didn’t have enough experience to get down without embarrassing himself. Deciding the risk was worth the reward, he turned around and wriggled to the floor clumsily, despite being marginally taller than where he sat.

“When’s dinner? I’m hungry,” he whined, tugging Iruka’s arm to get his attention. He looked faintly disgusted at the ruined food splattering the stovetop.

He sighed. Again. “Well, there’s always Ichiraku’s.”

Naruto cheered.

It was criminally late to just start getting dinner, and the sun had just started to sink below the skyline.

Kakashi was with them this time, slinking into a stool next to Naruto.

The boy in question bounced in his seat, happily eating his ramen.

The person on the stool left of Iruka leaned over, “The place across the street has good tequila.”

From the teacher’s stressed expression, he’d probably thought he’d needed it.

He lay his head down on the bar that wasn’t really a bar but he wished it was and sighed. “Being a single parent to a child that isn’t self-sufficient is draining.”

Alerted by the sudden lack of attention Iruka paid him, Kakashi swiveled around in time to hear his statement. “We’re married. By definition, you’re not a single parent.”

Iruka squinted at him. “The single working parent, then.”

He lifted a finger, then dropped it. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

Naruto had known Iruka for a while, and gotten close to him in the past week. Kakashi, however, was a new person. And as someone who had not known many children, he was Prime Real Estate for Naruto.

Iruka smiled a bit as Kakashi nodded sagely to whatever nonsense the blond was spitting. He was exhausted, but happy.

He was distracted by Teuchi The Ramen Man snapping his fingers in front of his face. The man also had a fond expression when he glanced back at Naruto but murmured, “I’ve got the goods.”

Iruka pursed his lips, “What goods? I didn’t ask you to get-”

Teuchi The Ramen Man slid a stack of papers toward him, and he started to read. “Adoption!” was printed on the front in hideous Comic Sans, the line breaks awkward and stilted. It was obviously newly printed, but the lines for the signatures throughout the document were the strangest.

He choked, “How’d you get the Hokage to write a new way of adoption, much less sign the papers?!”

Teuchi turned around and walked a few steps away, and Iruka thought he wasn’t going to answer, then he came back with a damp rag. The man lifted their bowls silently as he scrubbed the counter, frighteningly calm and intimidatingly pleasant.

Kakashi and Naruto weren’t paying attention, the latter practically nodding off against the other’s shoulder. They didn’t seem to notice whatever aura the cook was giving off. He only spared a quick peek at them before quickly refocusing on the man behind the counter.

Teuchi looked at him, a serene smile still on his face. It didn’t feel as genuine as it had before.

“Now, now, Iruka, you shouldn’t go poking your nose into things that you have no business knowing, much less things you don’t want to know.”

He was more impressed by the fact that Teuchi could make adoption threatening than the fact that a civilian could exude killing intent.

A little scared and a lot confused, Iruka stood up and nodded at him. He grabbed the papers and Kakashi and, internally screaming, booked it.

Bemused, Kakashi poked him as they speed walked down the street. “Shit, you look like you saw a ghost. What’s so bad about Teuchi?”

The brunet visibly shuddered, still dragging the man behind him. “This Earthly realm does not bind him as it does us mere mortals,” he whispered.

He snorted, “Okay, Edgelord.”

Iruka’s face contorted through all five stages of grief, finally settling into a combination of all of them. “I am _not_ an Edgelord! Teuchi The Ramen Man is simply too powerful and I’m properly scared. The phrasing has nothing to do with who I am.”

Kakashi lazily rolled his singular eye, muttering under his breath, “That sounds like something an Edgelord would say.”

He flailed, tripped on his own feet, then straightened ungracefully, making undignified choking sounds all the while. “You’re literally holding our, now legal,” he waved the papers wildly, “son, and you can’t bring yourself to be nice for two seconds?”

He twisted his mouth in frustration, then added pointedly, “And I’m not edgy, I’m a responsible adult who dresses in colorful clothes and deals happily with children.”

Kakashi studied him for a moment, squinting skeptically. “You’re getting very defensive,” he drawled. “Are you perhaps...”

He paused, eyes glittering with glee as he drew it out.

Iruka knew it was coming, but could not stop it. It was inevitable.

“...triggered?”

“MotherFUCKER,” he hissed, kicking the nearest wall as Kakashi cackled sadistically.

His outburst caused Naruto to stir, blinking in confusion. Kakashi shifted him gently, then handed him over to Iruka.

He was still struck by how tiny he was for a ten year old, curling his arms around the boy as they walked.

The sun was farther behind the horizon when they at last entered Iruka’s home, quietly closing the door behind him. Naruto had gone back to sleep only a few minutes after waking up, but he was glad his energy had been depleted to go down without a fuss.

“We could set him on the couch,” Kakashi suggested, making his way into the dark room.

Iruka shot him a glare. “We are not putting Naruto on the couch. He deserves better.”

He scoffed, “Where else are you going to put him?”

The brunet turned his nose up, “He can sleep in my bed. With me.”

“But Iruka,” he deadpanned, face unmoving, “I called dibs.”

“You can’t call dibs in my own house.”

Kakashi waved his hand as he strolled into the bedroom, calling airily, “What’s yours is mine and all that. Are you going to take me to court?”

“No, you ass,” he huffed, walking after him to lay Naruto down on the bed.

They were both silent as they watched his sleeping face, Iruka slowly lowering himself to sit on the side of the bed. After a moment, Kakashi took off his headband and sat on the other side of the bed.

The faint light on the sun filtered into the room, but it wasn’t bright enough to see details.

Iruka brushed a bit of hair back from the boy’s forehead, just watching him breathe.  
This child hadn’t seen the war and death his counterpart had, the cruelty he experienced now was better than what had happened in the future (past?).

Him and Kakashi were going to be a family. If not for themselves, then for Naruto.

Neither of them spoke, just sat there, basking in the peace and reassurance the moment brought.

And if Iruka woke up and saw that he and Kakashi had slept on either side of Naruto, curled together in a twisted knot of limbs, he didn’t say a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one:
> 
> Kakashi: I've only had bb Naruto for a day, but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and then myself
> 
> Okay, so I originally thought I was going to update every Wednesday, but the second chapter I posted 2 days early and I posted this one a day late. I'm trying to update every week, but I don't think it will be regular.
> 
> If I don't update within a week, feel free to tell me to hurry up. It's good motivation.


	4. Local Konoha Man Kidnaps Child (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you think Iruka and Kakashi, two orphans who have not had adult support since the maximum age of ten, know how to parent, then you're dead wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I know I'm late.
> 
> Thank M0v1l_GT. They called me out and I wrote 1,500 the next day.
> 
> Also! Sasuke is here now, but this chapter was a bitch to write. I didn't really like the way it went, so...be warned.

Iruka beamed as he practically skipped home from school. Naruto, now a permanent fixture, trotted uncertainly beside him.

“Why’re you so excited?” He asked, a cute little furrow in between his brows.

Iruka’s smile only grew. “ _I’m_ going to be an actual teacher soon,” he preened.

His eyes grew wide and he stared at him, mouth agape as he shouted, “You’re going to be an _actual_ _teacher?_ ”

Iruka nodded, grabbing Naruto’s hand as they entered a busier section of streets. “I’m gonna have actual money now, so I’ll be able to pay for your ramen addiction.”

Naruto pouted, narrowing his eyes. “It’s not an addiction, I can stop any time.”

He didn’t even dignify that with a response.

Kakashi was away with a mission, since they now had three mouths to feed. He, at least until Iruka got a well-paying job, was the bread-winner of this family. And yes, it was a family.

As many know, you can not ever break the bond between you and someone when there’s a homophobic asshole speaking, and you share a commiserating look with a fellow not-straight person. From that moment on, you are allies.

With one glance, you communicate _‘Are you hearing this, too?’,_ _‘Is this dude serious?,_ and _‘I think the fuck not’_ all at once.

Kakashi and Iruka, being two not-straight people, had many of the above instances.

Contrary to popular belief, spite can get you far.

Kakashi had left on his mission two weeks ago and would return that night. Obviously, Iruka had stocked up on his ‘ _How to Cook a Basic Bitch Meal’_ lessons and was now able to make passable chicken. He was a mature adult who didn’t have any issues.

Iruka had everything under control. Completely. No anxiety whatsoever.

It was just...he was the only one with knowledge of the future now. Well, in the village, and it was disconcerting after he and Kakashi were attached at the hip.

It’s like when you go to a party. 

You don’t go to this party because you know anyone there, but because you have some distant relationship with the host to maintain. Because of this, everyone is either vaguely familiar, or extremely vaguely familiar.

But then, you spot _them._ That one coworker who you know and are close enough with to latch onto. It’s the perfect plan. You look like you’re socializing and don’t feel out of place, the holy grail for introverts.

Everything is all good and dandy until that coworker goes to get food, and you lose them for the next two hours. You, unfortunately, are doomed to spend that time dawdling by the wall awkwardly, far too close to the edge of tears for an adult.

Unless you’re an extrovert, which means you will be exempt from the above situation by virtue of never feeling out of place.

But Konoha is the party and Kakashi is that one familiar coworker, now husband.

Despite Iruka’s attachment issues, he was aware that Kakashi would appreciate not coming home to an empty place. He would shove love and happiness down his throat until he choked on it.

With renewed determination, he strode forcefully through the door.

“Why do you gotta go so fast?” Naruto whined, stumbling along behind him.

“Kakashi’s coming back tonight,” Iruka declared, “and we’re going to celebrate. Like normal people.”

* * *

Kakasi jumped fluidly through the trees, slashes and bruises aching with each movement. He had successfully completed the most boring mission in history.

It should have been interesting, rife with what Icha Icha would call _‘dastardly foes’_ and _‘daring escapes.’_

This, sadly, was not Icha Icha. It was just fighting enemies and retrieving whatever secret scroll they were smuggling. 

Kakashi slipped down from the trees, strolling nonchalantly towards the streets. Still proud of losing his tails (unwilling participants in the game “Get Kakashi to go to the hospital for once in his miserable life”), his singular eye glittered smugly.

He wasn’t _in_ the streets, technically, he was still among the trees with the shops in sight. 

Kakashi let his guard down because he was so close to safety, and nearly jumped when a stack behind him cracked. Too immersed in his fight or flight mode, he whirled around as he uncovered his sharingan, not noticing that no enemy would be that loud even after they successfully infiltrated Konoha.

After a few seconds, Kakashi realised his overreaction and relaxed slightly. His chakra drain was too severe to keep the sharingan eye open, so he covered it up quickly. 

If he looked hard enough, he could faintly make out the outline of someone small. Very small. It was almost like an underdeveloped human. 

What kind of creature was so humanoid? He couldn’t properly make out the features, but the being was obviously unnatural. What kind of human was so small and…Oh yeah.

A child.

Seamlessly smoothing over the fact that he forgot children existed for a moment, Kakashi drawled, “I know you’re there, kid. Might as well come out.”

There was a moment of shuffling, before an ebony haired _Uchiha Sasuke_ stepped out. His little chin raised defiantly as he walked out from the brush.

It would have been more intimidating if the boy had been a few heads taller and didn’t still have the childish little hop in his step.

They stared at each other, neither breaking the silence. There was no reason for tension, but Kakashi felt the need to let the brat speak first. 

Sasuke raised his chin impossibly higher, and whispered, voice quivering ever so slightly, “Did you take their eyes? Did you take them?”

The more he said the louder he got, until he was shouting with unshed tears pooling. 

“Did you gouge them out? How long were their bodies cool before you desecrated them? Did you watch their empty sockets fill with blood-” Sasuke choked on the words, tears spilling down his face. When he finished, he could barely force the words out of his tightening throat. “-as you ripped it from their skulls!”

Watching him, Kakashi felt something like pity stir in his cold, dead heart. No...it wasn’t pity.

Having a son must have really screwed with his brain, because he could’ve sworn there was something like ‘ _parental instincts_ ’ coming to surface. He had a strange urge to wrap this child in a blanket burrito, feed him warm soup, then give him a dog to cuddle with until he fell asleep.

Sasuke was full on sobbing now, though anger still twisted his face. 

Kakashi reached over and patted his back stiffly. The boy was too out of it to register that he was the very person he’d just accused of being a bloodline thief, and leaned into the touch ever so slightly.

And _oh fuck_ there’s the guilt. He was pretty sure this was the most emotion Sasuke had shown in years, and it was crying on a random ninja he met in the forest.

Kakashi retracted his hand, just staring at the boy. Should he leave? He didn’t want to be around a distressed child, but there was no one else to deal with said distressed child. He probably had a guardian, though.

What self-respecting Hokage would leave such a young child alone and without an adult?

He turned around, still keeping an eye on the Uchiha to make sure that he was calming down, and started walking away when he saw that his tears had stopped.

Kakashi sighed in relief, picking up his pace even as he still watched the other.

Sasuke looked up, and his expression was heart-wrenching. His face was red from crying and screwed up in pain, hands furiously wiping his tears away. His eyes were opened wide and so _raw_ with anguish and anger, looking a little pathetic standing alone in the woods.

This was fine. Kakashi could totally go home and forget all about this.

He crept backwards, but as he was about to look away from the kid, Sasuke let out a muffled cry.

Nope. Can’t do it.

* * *

Iruka was helping Naruto with his homework when Kakashi burst through the door. Seeing as that wasn’t his usual form of entrance, he stood up and moved hurriedly to the entryway.

Kakashi strode in, a young child held up by the back of his shirt with him. 

_Sasuke fucking Uchiha_ struggled against the hand at his nape, but it was secure.

Iruka blinked. “Uhhh...What ya got there?”

The man nodded. “I was hoping you’d ask,” he replied, brushing past him.

As he went, Iruka mouthed the words “Hoping you’d ask” again in confusion.

“We have a young child here who accused me of taking his family’s eyes, cried on me, then persuaded me with his suffering to take care of him.”

From his position in the air, Sasuke muttered, “I don’t want you to take care of me.”

Kakashi just shook his head. “See? So needy, begging for attention like that.”

It spoke volumes that Iruka merely took the proffered child while his husband went in search of warm food.

Sasuke was an emotionally distant person, even as he grew, but how unconcerned he was with his well-being was worrying. It wasn’t as if he was going to get hurt, especially in their house, but he didn’t blink when Iruka slowly but surely turned him into a blanket lump.

He was settled on the couch while Naruto helped wrap him up, which was really just the blond throwing pillows which sometimes landed on Sasuke. He eventually just sat with the Uchiha, being bundled up along with him.

The boy just sat, staring into space. 

Sasuke had that weird feeling when your whole family is murdered and you deal with it for the next few years, but your trauma is only buried, not gone.

So when you see a sharingan again the dam of pent up pain breaks, and you are so worn out from it that you don’t notice when a strange man picks you up. Said strange man takes you to his house, and his family starts wrapping you in blankets and taking care of you.

It was a surreal experience, and he couldn’t summon even one (1) emotion. The only vague thought he had was, _“This...might as well happen.”_

Kakashi, being the new parent disaster he was, heated up at least three separate meals all for Sasuke’s consumption. This walking contradiction of a man came back into the room with his pile of bowls, acting like he wasn’t concerned for the child’s health.

As he appeared he saw an impassive Sasuke, a beaming Naruto trying to cuddle him, and Iruka in the midst of rearranging the couch cushions into a proper fort. His husband was having the time of his life, him and Naruto twins of chaos.

“Put those down and come sit with us,” Iruka beckoned, and he obeyed, setting the food on a nearby table. 

Kakashi strode over, finally taking off his vest, and reluctantly allowed himself to be draped in all forms of cozy objects. His eyes drooped the longer he stayed there, worn out from the mission, and he’d jerked awake multiple times after dozing off.

Luckily, Sasuke seemed to be in the same boat, blinks becoming increasingly longer. 

They were just two emotionally stunted prodigies in the midst of people who were able to process their feelings.

* * *

Kakashi woke up to something poking his face. He cracked one eye open slightly, and spotted the shadow of his husband.

Iruka was staring at him in amazement, poking his face again with his finger. He did it a few more times before Kakashi swatted his hand away, grumbling sleepily.

“What are you doing?” He questioned coolly, preening slightly at how he delivered it.. 

_Nice,_ _Kakashi. You come off serious, but not too serious as to make it seem like you need to try. You have just the right tone, like you totally called him out but everything you do is effortless._

Iruka flinched back, even his darker skin not enough to cover the blush that bloomed across his cheekbones. His eyes were wide and startled, and his hand reached to clutch the blanket on top of him. 

Realizing that he’d performed the perfect imitation of a startled damsel, he set his jaw stubbornly as he consciously undid his reaction.

“Your face looked different than I expected, so I was making sure it wasn’t a henge. I don’t believe the great Kakashi of the Sharingan has such chubby cheeks,” Iruka proclaimed loftily, like it wasn’t the most ridiculous excuse ever. 

Kakashi, as was his right, rolled his eye pointedly. “My, my, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you just wanted to admire my beautiful features,” he drawled.

Iruka pushed to his feet, flush still present as he grumbled, “I’m swooning.”

Sasuke was still a ball of blankets, sleeping face barely visible. There were too many on him to allow the child to fall sideways, but he was clearly unconscious. Naruto was substantially less covered than the other, but sprawled on the couch on top of him. 

Kakashi followed his husband to the kitchen, bones cracking as he stood up. He physically cringed as he spotted the stacks of now room temperature food from last night, electing to ignore it for now. It was significantly cooler out of the blankets, and he shivered as his bare feet padded across to join Iruka.

He folded his forearms across the counter, shoulder to shoulder with the other man. 

His hair was loose, the ends tickling Kakashi’s neck. “So. Another child,” Iruka whispered, his quiet tone deafening in the surrounding silence.

The taller man let out a rumbling chuckle, voice rough with sleep. “It’s like having twins,” he intoned with an admirable effort to remain serious, but a wry smile twisting his unmasked face.

They didn’t talk for a few minutes, only the buzz of the refrigerator in the background breaking the silence. Every couple seconds, a drop of water dripped into the sink, making different sounds each time. 

Kakashi tried to tell them apart, keeping track of how often a higher one occured before a hollow one came after.

“Do you think he’s still going to leave?” Iruka murmured, head falling against the man next to him.

Kakashi sighed, leaning his head on top of Iruka’s. It was a soft moment, one that neither of them were used to. “If he stays, it will be because some specific people have died.”

The brunet breathed out a huff of laughter at that, still feeling as if his hushed tone was too loud. “Is it strange that I feel like some home for troubled pre-teens?” He groaned, fully awake but just not wanting to be.

Kakashi scoffed, leaning back to level him with an indignant look. “I’m offended that you would even think that.”

Some of the tension left his form, “Good, I didn’t want to seem-”

“I’m _at least_ a troubled adult.”

Iruka stopped, mouth still open mid-word. For a split second, he squinted and his eyes unfocused, like he was solving a math problem no one else could see. Then he straightened, and just looked at his husband in exasperation.

Kakashi’s frame shook with suppressed laughter, and Iruka contemplated letting him see how deeply his joke didn’t affect him. Maybe with a disparaging comment or deadpan look, but stopped. 

The Hatake was so rarely happy, and _fuck_ _he looked extremely cute with his bed head._

If Iruka could’ve glared accusingly at his own thoughts, he would have. Nevertheless, he didn’t hesitate to smile gently at Kakashi’s grinning form. 

The joke _was_ pretty funny.

If you thought about it.

* * *

Next time Kakashi showered someone in affection, he only needed a thank you, or maybe a nice word to stroke his ego. It was incredibly disheartening to be met with such rude recipients claiming that he ‘ _kidnapped them_ ’ and that he _‘wasn’t their real family, you bastard.’_

So ungrateful.

Currently, Sasuke was pouting on a comfortable chair after eating breakfast. He had reluctantly stayed, since he didn’t have anywhere else to go, and probably liked the attention.

Kakashi was sure at his age, he would have melted (internally, obviously) at any scrap of affection sent his way.

Iruka sat across from Sasuke, wearing incredibly formal clothes as he slid a stack of papers toward the boy, setting a pen on top.

“So, will you sign?” He asked ominously.

Kakashi was standing behind his husband, arms crossed while he imagined mirrored sunglasses on his face. 

The ten year old leaned forward to peer at the contract, expression curious and a bit nervous even as he tried to remain stoic.

As he got closer, he realized that only the first page was white and all the pages under it were construction paper in fun colors. At the top, with an unmistakably childish scrawl, the page read _‘Contract!’_ in orange marker.

Being ten, Sasuke didn’t think to question this.

Below were a couple bullet points in crayon, the writing too large to fit more than five bullet points per paper. Several designs in glitter glue decorated the edges, one in a smiley face.

  * Live in Iruka-sensei's house
  * Pet Mr. Iruka-sensei’s husband’s dogs
  * Tell us if you’re sad!
  * Be nice
  * Don’t go anywhere without telling someone
  * Accept hugs and cuddles
  * Follow the rules of Knowing About the Future Club
  * Play with me (Naruto!) :)



He looked up at Iruka who repeated, “Are you going to sign?”

Sasuke, suitably impressed with their evident legal skills, was in awe. Accepting his defeat gracefully, he grabbed the pen and uncapped it. A bit of his tongue peeking out in focus, he carefully wrote his name on the crooked line at the bottom of the page.

“Good choice,” Iruka nodded decisively, gathering up the contract he’d signed. Kakashi relaxed, a bit disappointed that he could no longer play the burly bodyguard role. 

At his words, Naruto burst in, beaming. He was practically glowing with excitement, tackling Sasuke to the ground. “We’re gonna play in the park and be ninja and eat ramen and be friends!”

The words came out a jumbled mess as he hugged him, and Iruka smiled as he made his way to his room in order to change, Kakashi on his heels.

(“Did we just trick a ten year old into signing a legally binding contract?” Kakashi muttered, a bit gleeful at the prospect of infecting his husband with his terrible ideas.

Iruka shook his head. “They’re not genin yet, and that contract wouldn’t hold up in court.”

He glanced around nervously, as he closed the door behind them. “...It wouldn’t, right?”)

* * *

Iruka paced around the room, throwing his hands up in aggravation. “I just want to make Sasuke feel loved, is that too much to ask?”

“Yes,” Kakashi answered, slightly muffled from his position face down on the floor.

“What do normal families even do?”

Not even bothering to lift his head from the ground, he snorted. “Are you really looking to _me_ for advice?”

Iruka stopped pacing to look at his husband. His eyebags had eyebags. This man wouldn’t know hygiene if it crawled like a demon from the pits of Hell while saying, “You know me, Kakashi.” He probably hadn’t even _seen_ a healthy dynamic, family or otherwise, in ten years. 

Iruka sighed while eyeing the man on the floor with pity. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

After a few seconds, Kakashi turned his head to look up at him. “Don’t people go to town? Like, they set their hat at a jaunty angle and sniff at other people while holding the hand of a small child. You know, window shopping and such?”

Iruka blinked before understanding dawned. It was like Christmas, his birthday, and figuring out how geometry proofs worked all came on the same day. “You’re a genius,” he breathed.

  
  


They left his apartment, trying on different snooty personas as they went. 

“Wait, should I wear pearls? Should we both wear pearls?”

“No, I think we’re good. Just have Naruto’s hand at the ready so you can grab it and gasp “Well I never!” at anyone who insults you.”

“Why would they insult me?”

“Humans are strange creatures.”

Naruto, used to this kind of behavior, was glued to his teacher’s side. His smaller hands clutched the hem of Iruka’s shirt, the man's hand resting in his blond hair.

Sasuke, decidedly _not_ used to this kind of behavior, hovered awkwardly a few feet away. Honestly, he would have run away from them earlier if he didn’t have respect for the law and the obviously reputable contract he signed.

Kakashi’s mask was back in place, his covered eye making only one fourth of his face visible. He straightened and beckoned Sasuke in a nasal tone. “Come along children, we are visiting town and must return before nightfall.”

Rolling his eyes with a scoff, he shuffled after the group. Naruto was already chattering away, not daring to let go of Iruka, but Sasuke was silent.

The man coughed. “So...I’m just letting you know that this eye was not stolen. No Uchihas were (purposefully) killed in the making.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes again, but with more vigour. “What if you kill me to harvest my organs? It’s not like my eyes are the only things you could steal.”

Kakashi, slightly disturbed that a child was actively thinking about stealing organs, tried to pat his head. According to parenting books, this was a universal sign of approval and acceptance towards a child if executed correctly.

However, it was not executed correctly, and Sasuke stopped his hand with a glare so potent, all the flowers in the vicinity withered. He didn’t take it personally. The kid was still sticking with their group after all.

They didn’t really have a destination, since neither of them knew what ‘ _going to town’_ entailed, and ended up wandering around for ten minutes. 

Naruto was growing restless, tugging at both adults and whining about being bored. Iruka crouched down to talk with him, probably bribing him with ramen or reminding him to be patient. 

After a few minutes, the teacher glanced up and started in on Kakashi for being a _‘negligent parent’_ and ignoring their children. Naruto, distressed at the yelling, started to tear up as his complaints grew in volume.

Remembering one of the clauses of the contract, Sasuke announced loudly, “I’M SAD.”

It was quite the picture, with both children screaming or loudly proclaiming their sadness with Iruka and Kakashi trying to figure out what the fuck to do.

Needless to say, there was a wide berth around them.

Of course, that’s when Gai came. 

In a blur of leg warmers and a skin tight jumpsuit, the Green Beast of Konoha zoomed in front of them. “My Eternal Rival! This is an Intervention!”

At even more noise, Sasuke scuttled to join Naruto in clinging to Iruka. _Okay_ , now he knew who the favorite parent was.

Kakashi eyed Gai warily, watching as he shuffled through a variety of poses. “I don’t need an intervention.”

He looked like he was in a cheesy music video, Asuma and Kurenai flanking him like backup dancers. Anko stood back imposingly, and Kakashi felt the urge hand her the mirrored sunglasses he’d imagined on himself earlier.

Kurenai tilted her head to the side, eyebrows raised. “I heard from Gai that you got married to some dude you just met, is that true?”

“No,” Kakashi said. You know, like a liar.

Iruka waved from behind him. He was met with blank faces.

“Kakashi, _I_ don’t even know who that is,” Asuma complained, rolling his cigarette between his teeth.

The man in question shifted, using jazzhands to correctly showcase his family. 

His audience was not amused. 

“This is my husband and two kids,” he said jovially. “And I love them very much.”

Anko came forward, giving him a ‘ _what-in-tarnation_ ’ look. “When the fuck did you have time to get a second kid?”

Kakashi arched an eyebrow. “After the first one, obviously.”

Everyone was losing their shit, Kurenai demanding to know what he thought was doing with Asuma holding her back and Anko trying to find out what to say to that, all with Gai trying to calm them with the Springtime of Youth.

Kakashi glanced at them, too busy to actually cooperate with each other. It was painfully obvious they hadn’t really believed Gai, but Kakashi at this age didn’t _joke._

He then looked back to Iruka and the kids and made frantic ' _Get the fuck out of here motions._ ’ The brunet hauled them up like sacks of rice and took off, Kakashi right on his heels.

Behind them, a strangled, “Hey! You can’t leave!” sounded. As they rounded a corner, they could hear their pursuers clanging around a street back.

Naruto was grinning wildly, laughing maniacally as wind whipped at his face. He was shifted between adults, but didn’t stop his gleeful observation of the people following.

Kurenai and Asuma wouldn’t chase them, since they were closer to Gai than Kakashi, but Anko would. However, her progress was impeded by Gai’s Youthful Enthusiasm and Kakashi overturning carts in their wake.

As they raced into Iruka’s apartment and slammed the door, the groups tumbled to the floor in a tangle of limbs. Iruka was wheezing, clutching his stomach as he sprawled across the floor. Everyone else was in varying states of hilarity, the sound they made vaguely concerning.

Kakashi looked up in time to Sasuke _giggle._ Actually giggle. The most adorable giggle you ever did see.

This was, of course, seen by Iruka and Naruto, and all three of them proceeded to coo and pinch his cheeks.

Sasuke grumbled and pushed their hands away, struggling as Iruka hugged him tightly against his chest.

“I hate this fucking family,” he groused.

Unfortunately, the word family caused another round of ‘ _awww_ ’s and forehead kisses.

* * *

Iruka ate another spoonful of his breakfast, poking at his bowl absently. “Oh,” he looked up at Kakashi. “Did you hear? Elder Danzō died last night. At least we don’t have to worry about him now,” he mused.

“Yep. Don’t have to worry about him,” Kakashi answered nervously, lifting his upside down Icha Icha book higher on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm bisexual and my friend is bisexual. We met because we have the same birthday, but she's the person I look at if anyone says something homophobic. We weren't really close, but boom. 
> 
> Instant bond formed. It was us vs them.
> 
> I was an idiot and wrote my outline on a piece of paper, and lost it. So I have no idea where this is going next, because I already forgot. I only have a vague picture and know that this was going to be 7 chapters long. Ideas are welcome.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. In Which Kakashi Deals With The Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THEY'RE BECOMING A FAMILY, Y'ALL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda short (a little less than 4000 words), but it's up, so..
> 
> And thank you Mirikodoesthings for part of this! I have zero inspiration and their suggestion really helped.

“You're not gonna give me any straight answers, are you?” Anko asked exhaustedly, head in her hands.

Kakashi sipped his tea right through his mask. “Perhaps.”

Anko herself was seated in the chair across from him, eating a pastry from whatever shop they had walked into. 

He had agreed to meet simply because they’d continue to pester him for answers, but was enjoying their confusion.

In the corner, previously brought for back up, Gai was having a breakdown. He flip-flopped from thrilled at the prospect of ‘ _his Eternal Rival finally participating in the Springtime of Youth_ ’ to despairing because of his little regard for common sense.

As Gai bawled in the corner, Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly. “I mean, it seems to me like you’re just jealous of how I’ve seamlessly transformed into part of a suburban middle class family.”

Anko squinted, setting down her cup with a _thunk_. “You don’t technically live in the suburbs. The Hatake Compound, maybe, but not the cramped apartment you have now.”

His head swung away from the window to peer at her warily. “How do you know where I live?”

After an extremely long pause with the purple-headed woman looking anywhere but his face, he sighed. “Actually, nevermind.”

Gai, still distressed, flounced back over to the table. “I’m sorry to say so, my Eternal Rival, but being married does not make you the picture of a suburban middle class family.”

Kakashi, as if he’d been waiting his entire life for this moment, straightened up with _great_ dignity. A surplus of dignity. So much dignity you would drown in.

Just to be clear, he had a _lot_ of dignity.

“I don’t _just_ have a husband, nonono. I have a husband who is a teacher, while I work a moderately cushy job. I also have two children, and at least one of them will end up being spoiled.”

Gai blinked dumbly, a bit taken aback at how...prepared Kakashi was to answer. “A lot of people have spoiled children, what does-”

“Shhhh,” he interrupted, “I’m not finished. If I, as you mentioned, moved into the Hatake Compound, I would be living in the suburbs with a nice suburban house.”

He’d shifted position, hands on the table as he leaned forward. “In fact, I’ll even be part of the PTA.”

Anko jerked back, gasping in horror, “You can’t!” He sat back in his chair, perplexed by her vehemence. “You barely know the kids!”

Kakashi furrowed his brow, slightly bemused, “I am the parent of two children going to the Academy, and Iruka is already a teacher, so he can’t be part of it.”

Gai clenched his fists passionately, manly tears running down his face. “I am most supportive! But Rival, the members of the PTA have terrorized the teachers! Even I, having subbed once, fear their wrath if a child in my care became even slightly unhappy.”

Kakashi’s amusement was apparent through his tone, crossing his arms as his friends lamented. “Just because I can now rant at any teacher who disrespects my pups in organized meetings doesn’t mean you should fear me.”

Anko seemed to be having war flashbacks, staring into the distance with a pained expression. “Oh my sweet summer child, I’ve been to a PTA meeting too many times. All of them were mistakes.”

Kakashi lifted his hands defensively. “I care that they’re getting a good education, that’s all.”

She gave him a Look. “Naruto’s the jinchūriki. How would you react if someone started to show, ah, _unintentional_ bias.”

At her words, his face flickered from affront to disgust to rage, finally settling into a blank look, knowing how obvious he’d been. He blinked a few times, thrown from his emotional swings.

Absently picked up his tea to drink again, he murmured, “Oh. So that’s how it feels to want to make someone’s bloodline go extinct.”

Anko nodded emphatically. “Yeah. Imagine being trapped in an enclosed room with them for hours.”

Rolling his eyes, Kakashi stood up. “You know you can’t stop me from joining the PTA.”

She cast him a mournful look, somehow disappointed and resigned at the same time. “I know.”

* * *

Iruka was very confused.

Students had the day off for some minor holiday or occasion, so he was at home trying to convince Sasuke that _No, bottling up your emotions is not a healthy way to cope._ Sasuke was pouting and generally acting like a normal child being scolded, and for that he was grateful.

In the other room, Naruto was humming to himself, occupied with picking at the furniture as Iruka talked to the brunet. 

A knock had sounded at the door, and he stopped mid sentence, frowning in its direction. After a moment of looking between Sasuke and the door, Iruka turned away and strode over.

He swung it open harder than necessary, but paused when he found a horde of children on the other side. They all looked up at him, strangely synchronized.

Iruka slammed the door shut.

It took a minute, but he eventually talked himself through the panic with key phrases like _‘You’re a teacher, you do this for a living’_ and _‘Saying “It’s too damned early” is not an appropriate response to confrontation.’_

He hesitantly pushed the door out, and got another look at the children outside. Some had porcelain masks covering their faces, while others had them perched on top of their head. Those whose faces were visible peered up with expectant eyes, but didn’t break formation.

Iruka inwardly winced. _ROOT._

After a few moments, a representative was apparently elected to move forward. In an emotionless voice, they asked, “May we come inside?”

The way he said it was vaguely unsettling, somehow getting the exact volume between whispering and shouting with no inflection. 

Iruka paused, mouth opening and closing like a fish, then composed himself. “Er...Why did you come to my apartment, instead of anyone else’s?”

The child(?)’s posture didn’t waver as they answered diligently. “After Lord Danzō died, we merely followed the man who killed him back. It seemed prudent.”

As the dots connected, Iruka massaged the bridge of his nose tiredly. “Ah shit. Fuck.” He stepped aside, looking even more dead inside than before. “I guess you can come in.”

They filed in at a sedate pace, deadly silent, leaving him to awkwardly hold the door. When he followed after them, still wondering how the _fuck_ Kakashi could be so stuipid as to get _caught,_ he found the group clustered in the kitchen.

“Well, I guess you _do_ need something to eat.” Iruka beamed and clapped his hands as he strolled towards the counter. “Lucky for you, I can make passable pasta and edible chicken, how does that sound?”

There was no reaction from the blank faced soldiers. A smattering shuffled their feet and one coughed, but he couldn’t tell if it was a suppressed laugh. 

Iruka kept his smile for a moment, then drooped when it became clear no one was going to respond. 

“Tough crowd,” he pouted.

His two children, one legal and one emotional, lingered in the doorway, watching the group with trepidation. Naruto seemed more curious than anything, but Sasuke, with his frosty stare, looked one evil monologue away from massacring the room. 

...Was it too soon?

Cooking was a tense affair, only broken by Iruka’s creative curses, none involving any actual curse words, when he almost burned the food. Naruto, ever fearless, inched over to his teacher eventually. At first, he only watched the food being prepared, but got up enough courage to be a general nuisance and weave through the man’s legs.

Iruka lined up the dishes he’d prepared (poorly), presenting them with a flourish. “Uh...food.”

At the unspoken prompt, the formerly stoic ROOT agents descended on the food ravenously. The teacher was distinctly uncomfortable, watching strange orphans eat his food in his house. 

He looked up at the door across the room, sighing longingly. The sexual tension between Iruka and the exit was palpable. They might run off together if this whole ‘ _saving the world_ ’ didn’t work out.

After a supremely awkward ten minutes, all of the kids shifted their masks into place and backed away from the mostly gone food. They were still in formation, oddly silent despite how much they moved. It seemed that none were _too_ young, and they would probably figure out how to survive on their own.

Well, they already did, technically, by finding their apartment. The group murmured their ‘ _Thank you’_ s, then turned around and marched out of the kitchen. 

Iruka sputtered.

He paced forward, turning the corners only to find them leaving through the door. Just straight up leaving.

Marching out in straight little lines like they hadn’t completely destroyed his schedule for today.

And they didn’t bother to close the door.

Sasuke and Naruto approached him worriedly, but he was looking at his mess of a kitchen. Dirty plates, bowls, and silverware were stacked everywhere, crumbs of food littering the floor.

_Over a dozen ROOT agents followed my apparently (even more than usual) murderous husband, decided to invade my house and eat my food, then left._

Iruka dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his face in exasperation.

Kakashi had a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

Kakashi opened the door to find his husband, looking decidedly not happy, standing before him with his hands on his hips. 

Iruka could smell fear, so he made an admirable effort to remain calm. “Hi, honey! I’m home,” he beamed.

The brunet was not amused. 

Speaking in a sickly sweet voice, Iruka intoned, “Darling, why did a horde of ROOT agents come into my house and eat my food, all while claiming they followed you here? After you killed Danzō?”

A bead of sweat trickled down his spine, but he eye-smiled. “That’s so weird!”

After a moment of tense staring, Iruka sighed, relaxing his stance. “Honestly, Kakashi, I can't believe you got caught.”

He actually felt a little guilty, what with Sasuke a few feet away shaking his head in disappointment. Stange how a ten year old’s glare made him want to sink into the floor.

Kakashi, still vaguely stunned, cautiously made his way into the kitchen. He stared at the disaster blandly. 

In the span of the last few minutes, he’d jumped from relaxed to scared for his life to confused to guilty and back to confused again. ( _H a r d c o r e p a r k o u r)_

After a beat, Kakashi coughed awkwardly, realizing they were expecting a response. And by _‘they’_ he meant his lovely husband and the two demon children behind him.

He brought out the Somber Nod, used often to make people think you were taking the situation seriously, and folded his hands in front of him. “I’ve heard it’s easier to transition to a bigger family after you’ve already had two kids.”

WIth that, he turned on his heel, leaving Iruka to sputter incoherent nonsense about how they _‘weren’t keeping them.’_

Kakashi sighed contentedly as he slipped into bed, ignoring the indignant shouting and complete mayhem he’d caused.

_‘All in a day’s work.’_

* * *

There was paint on the floor. 

It was all over the walls. A few splatters were spread across the ceiling. There was paint across Naruto’s beaming face as he proudly showed off his plant pot.

He’d been very enthusiastic once Iruka introduced him to finger painting, immediately plunging his hands into the cans provided. It didn’t matter that he was past the age usually associated with finger painting, he never had the experience before, and Iruka was damn well going to make sure he did.

Sasuke was out with Kakashi, the Hatake hoping that some _‘bonding experience’_ would come of it, to go shopping. Food shopping because a certain _someone_ let homeless children follow him back and rob his unsuspecting husband of perfectly good food.

Speaking of, he should probably check with the Hokage that the ROOT agents had reported to him.

Iruka’s attention was drawn back to the present when Naruto aggressively shoved his masterpiece toward him again. “It’s orange paint!”

Smiling, he nodded indulgently. “What did you make?”

Affronted that Iruka even had to ask, he pouted. “Obviously, it’s me.” When he gained no response, Naruto pointed to a different splotch of color. “And that purple is Sasuke! His arms are crossed, but he’s smiling.” Spinning the pot around, he then displayed the other side. “The dark green is you, Sensei, and Kakashi is the gray.”

Call him crazy, but Iruka felt like crying at the indistinguishable blobs of green and silver connected by spindly lines resembling hands.

Naruto was still proudly lifting the plant, eyes closed with the force of his grin, and _oh my fucking gosh he wanted to hug him and never let go._

Indulging himself, Iruka swept down to lift the boy. The blond whined, struggling as much as he could without dropping the ceramic. “I’m not a teddy bear, you know!”

“I know,” he sighed, reluctantly setting him down. “Let’s get a plant in there, alright?” Iruka murmured, absently licking his finger before rubbing away the flaking paint from Naruto’s cheek.

  
  


Kakashi and an impassive Sasuke came through the door soon after the plat was potted and watered. The plant, dubbed Mr. Ukki, was healthy enough, but Naruto had grown impatient when he couldn’t watch it grow.

Therefore, their return was a welcome distraction from the impending temper tantrum.

There was food in the bags, thankfully, but there seemed to be an unspoken rivalry on who could carry the most. Sasuke, being a short child, was almost hidden behind the fruits and vegetables, but stubbornly refused to put them down. 

Kakashi was an adult and not nearly as strained, but put on a great show of struggling to make the Uchiha think he had a chance. 

Poor Sasuke.

Kakasi put everything he could on the high shelf, making Sasuke fume with the mere insinuation that he couldn’t reach that high. As they shelved the food, Naruto ran up to show off his plant. He was practically vibrating in excitement, gripping it so hard Iruka feared the material would crack.

“Look Kashi!” He was mildly impressed that the child refrained from hitting him with the ‘ _Mr. Iruka-sensei’s husband_ ’ again. “Iruka got me some paints and I put them on the plant pot and then I put Mr. Ukki in it.” He lifted his art higher, bringing it closer to the man’s face. “It’s our family!”

Naruto was still shining like the sun, but Iruka could see Kakashi was torn between being off put by the fact that their family was associated with the name _Mr. Ukki_ or bursting into appropriately dramatic sobs.

Sasuke seemed on the edge of an aneurysm, still in denial that he was here out of his own free will, but stayed quiet. 

Kakashi, blinked a few times, voice uncharacteristically rough. “It’s...fine.”

Satisfied now that his creation had been properly praised, Naruto hummed happily as he made a beeline for Iruka. Sasuke slipped after him to hide behind said teacher’s leg, gazing at him warily.

Kakashi sighed. He thought they had made some real progress. He even got Sasuke to say a full sentence!

The blond plunked Mr. Ukki on the counter and, ever starved for affection, lifted his arms to jump into Iruka’s. The man heaved him upward with a smile, cooing besottedly at both children. 

_What a sucker,_ Kakashi thought, ignoring how he still had a lump in his throat from being referred to as Naruto’s family. 

“Wow,” he drawled, inspecting his nails pointedly, “I see how it is.”

Naruto, who was too empathetic to not become attached to every positive figure in his life, actually looked panicked. He quickly wriggled right back out of Iruka’s hold to flail his way over in distress. 

“I didn’t mean it! You’re the best,” he proclaimed, clutching Kakashi by the waist.

Kakashi, very confused at where the sudden loyalty had come from, turned away with a hand draped over his forehead. “Neglected, by my own children!”

“Nooooo,” Naruto wailed, shaking him by the hands around his waist.

Sasuke made an indifferent noise, looking back to Iruka for more affection without outright asking for it.

Feeling mildly betrayed but not sure why, Kakashi plopped his hand in the boy’s blond hair. Naruto resumed beaming up at him, and he was still confused, but somewhat touched, that he had become the second favorite parent.

Yes, there were only two parents, but it still felt nice, okay?

Iruka sighed, starting forward with his Sasuke-shadow to put away the food. “Why don’t you and Kakashi go put Mr. Ukki by the window in your room?”

Naruto let go of his waist to clutch his plant, almost skipping out of the kitchen. Kakashi trailed after him, glancing worriedly at the extremely breakable plant pot in his hands.

He walked into his room, spotting the boy trying valiantly to push the plant into the sun. However, this was Naruto, and he had little to no experience with plants, shelves, and a combination of the two.

Kakashi strode over and straightened Mr. Ukki, pretending to be entirely focused on moving him...it. He meant _it_.

“Not that I’m not flattered,” he mused, “but how’d you go from wanting my head on a pike to caring about my feelings?”

Naruto peered at his work, making sure he wasn’t doing anything untoward to the plant. “Well, I mean, I love Iruka-sensei, and if you’re in love with him, then I have nothing to worry about.”

Kakashi froze, one hand on Mr. Ukki’s top leaf. He laughed stiltedly a beat too late, mouth forming awkwardly around the sound. “Uhh, why don’t you go help Iruka? I’ll just...finish up here.”

Obliviously, he nodded and left the room, calling down the hall. What a strange child with strange ideas. Naruto wasn’t this nosy in the last timeline.

After a second Kakashi followed behind him at a much slower pace.

 _I’m not in love with him,_ he thought, catching sight of the room they shared and both slept in.

 _I am a cold, unfeeling former ROOT and ANBU agent,_ he mused, walking through the kitchen filled with food he had specifically chosen because his husband would like it.

 _That’s a ridiculous idea,_ Kakashi reiterated, ruffling Naruto’s and Sasuke’s hair as he came back into the kitchen.

 _Naruto’s just confused, he’s ten,_ he thought, his stomach fluttering and chest warming as he caught sight of Iruka. 

The brunet was grinning, carrying a bucket and sponge with rolled up sleeves to clean up the paint. “Come on, this mess isn’t going to fix itself.” He turned to Kakashi, expression soft with the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled. 

There was already a bit of paint smudged on his clothes and arms from when it was still wet, orange and purple and silver dancing across his skin. Iruka’s hair was up in a messy ponytail, a few strands falling out and wisps curling out from the sides. 

He’d changed while Kakashi was out, a pair of overalls, already ruined from previous projects, thrown over his already stained shirt. They were baggy, the fabric bunching in all the wrong places, a size too big for his height.

Iruka looked messy, barely put together, like he got up and decided that just because he was awake, didn’t mean he had to like it.

And he was absolutely breathtaking.

.

.

.

_Yeah, that’s it. Naruto’s just confused._

* * *

As it so happened, Kakashi did join the PTA meeting that weekend.

It was as expected. It was amusing to see the battle hardened warriors get into hissy fights because someone even hinted that their child wasn’t the best.

He couldn’t meet with Iruka because it was a _‘conflict of interest,_ ’ but there were other teachers and parents to meet with. And _Shikaku_ was being a little _bitch_ because he couldn’t accept that _Sasuke_ was smarter than he’d ever been.

“He’s a traumatized child! He should go through the proper channels to get adopted!”

Kakashi poked a finger roughly into his chest, “Sasuke’s not even in the adoption system, so I had to get creative. You simply can’t understand how brilliant he is!”

Shikaku threw up his hands. “I just think he should be in a better environment than with you! Your mental checks never came back good.”

He gasped melodramatically, “I’ve tried my best to raise him with Iruka and Mr. Ukki, and it may be hard, but we never give up!” 

It was a very inspiring speech. Someone might have applauded. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you had something _against_ our relationship!”

Shikaku was dying inside. “No! I don’t care what the heck you do in your freetime, just maybe...you know, actually, I think I’m done.”

He stumbled past Kakashi, patting him on the shoulder awkwardly. He might have muttered something about _‘damn mentally unstable jōnin.’_

The rest of the room was quiet, many parents intrigued, but the other teachers said nothing. They’d seen more than their fair share of PTA meetings.

Mizuki, a fairly new teacher who seemed to dislike kids and was terrible at actually teaching, stepped forward, his face contorted into...some unfavourable expression. Seriously, why’d they even hire him.

“What. The fuck.”

Kakashi pivoted to face him. “While it helps with emphasis, those sentences are really sentence fragments and-”

“What. The FUCK.” Mizuki repeated loudly, squinting at him. Mizuki was not very bright, and didn’t know who Kakashi was. “You just married Iruka, decided on an open marriage, then adopted two random snot-nosed brats with him?”

Kakashi flipped the floppy ends of his hair up with a tilt of his head. “What, like it’s hard?”

* * *

“Kakashi, why do people keep asking who my brother-husband is?”

He barely looked up from his Icha Icha book. “Can't blame people for their curiosity.”

Iruka huffed, collapsing down to lay on his lap, forcing him to put down the book. “I don’t get it. Why aren’t people asking about _your_ brother-husband?”

Kakashi rolled his eyes. “It’s because they know me more than you, and I don’t share.”

There was a pause. _Was that too forward? Wait, no, I wasn’t even flirting. I don’t like him, so I have nothing to worry about,_ he thought, still lying to himself.

“Aww, look at that,” Iruka cooed mockingly. “A real family man.”

Kakashi leaned to the side, making him shift in order to stay on the couch. “That’s me, lovin’ that dad vibe,” he responded dryly. 

“Ha ha. You can make dinner if you really want to be a dad.”

He started toward the kitchen, “I even went to a PTA meeting,” he complained, handing his husband a wooden spoon while he got out the pans.

Their new healthy diet of vegetables was put into action, and they placed the food on cutting boards and such. They didn’t speak since there was nothing to talk about.

At least, _Kakashi_ thought there was nothing to talk about.

But he was wrong.

“Speaking of the PTA meetings,” he began slowly, “I heard you were hanging out with Mizuki yesterday.”

Kakashi whirled around, frying pan in front of his face defensively. “Iruka! It’s not what you think!”

He raised his weapon threateningly, “I won’t hesitate, bitch!”

And so Naruto and Sasuke were treated to the scene of their beloved Iruka-sensei throwing a wooden spoon at a frying pan held in front of Kakashi’s face.

Sasuke, way too tired of life for a ten year old, sighed. “What did I expect, honestly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to comfort you people by saying that there's only about 2 chapters left and less than 10,000 words to write. I wouldn't abandon this so close to the end.
> 
> Also, happy late Valentine's day!


	6. The Return of Teuchi The Ramen Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time skip! To where the children are 13!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can probably tell from how long it took to update, I'm kind of losing interest. However, I wrapped it all up in this neat little chapter for y'all. 
> 
> My well of creative inspiration ran dry, so about 1,000 words of this is just a summary of the chunin exams...but with flair.

“It’s nepotism!” Sasuke cried. 

Kakashi, sprawled out lazily in a tree, rolled his eyes. “Oh, so it’s _‘being sensible’_ when they put you on my genin team, but when Naruto is with you it’s nepotism?”

The blonde in question stuck out his tongue, radiating an air of smugness only known to siblings when the parents are on their side. “See that, bastard, you’re a hypno-crit!”

Sasuke scoffed, tossing his head back sassily. Not that he would ever admit it was sassy. “It’s _‘hypocrite’_ , idiot! How did you even graduate?”

Kakashi sighed, not even looking at them. “Naruto, Sasuke, we don’t call our friends names,” he scolded lightly. When he didn’t gain a response, he looked over the edge to eye them with his Disapproving Parent Stare. He’d perfected it over the years. “Are you going to apologize?”

They both looked at the ground, mumbling equally incoherent apologies with a scowl. At least they respected authority.

Kakashi looked on, beaming like the proud Papa he was. _Look at his children getting along so darn well!_

Sakura was there too, but she was reading some book in the grass while she tried her best to ignore their noise. The prospect of a shiny new Sasuke had faded after approximately one interaction with him, and now she took on the role of Tired TA Who Chews Gum In The Corner And Tries Her Best To Forget The Children In Her Care.

They’d been a team for a decent amount of time, but they were progressing fast with no suspicious attacks. A _suspicious_ lack of suspicious attacks.

Kakashi wasn’t sure what had changed other than them being a big happy family, but Zabuza hadn’t nearly killed them. In fact, no one had nearly killed them. There was no killing whatsoever. 

Unfortunately this resulted in a sad lack of team bonding, but Sasuke and Naruto were already joined at the hip, so there wasn’t much bonding to do.

As he observed his team, his eye narrowed. This could be excused as a weird time-space thing, right?

* * *

“Soooooo,” Asuma began, “chunin exams?”

They were in a small circle of chairs and benches and tables. The full list of people gathered was Izumo, Kotetsu, Asuma, Kurenai, Gai, Genma, and, of course, Kakashi. The blue haired man was trying to break the tension, but no one responded. Honestly, why did he even try?

No matter how much time had passed, people couldn’t seem to act normally around Kakashi _‘Now Has Feelings’_ Hatake. 

The other man continued, being terribly awkward. “I, uh, think Choji in particular has come a long way, so I’m going to enter them.”

Gai, bless his heart, took pity on him. “I agree with you! All of your students are bursting with the Springtime of Youth, ready to unleash their Youthful Energy upon us all!”

Kurenai nodded stiffly, “Why not? My team has a lot of ambition.”

And so, smalltalk was upon them. Kakashi absently reached for his Icha Icha book, preferring to be anywhere else. The pages flipped open with a muffled _swish_ , but the words he read just wouldn’t put themselves together in normal sentences. He fingered the edge of the page, wondering when he should turn it to make it seem like he was actually reading.

The conversation eventually turned to Gai’s team, and then, inevitably, his son. Because when you talk about your children, all you ever want to do is brag about them and tell everyone about them because there is no possible way to contain all the mushy feelings you have.

_No, Kakashi will not elaborate on how he knows those feelings._

After coming to terms with his Rival raising children, Gai had been _inspired_ , for lack of a better word. That was partially why he was overjoyed to have a team, as he had gained an outlet for all his parental feelings.

Gai was good to all children, but there was something about him and Lee that just screamed that they were parent and child.

It might’ve been the green jumpsuit.

But one mention of Lee, and the man was off praising his accomplishments.

Kakashi quickly tuned him out, knowing he could go on for hours. However, it did eventually circle back around to the exams. So it was all good.

“What do you think, Kakashi?” 

He glanced up in surprise, but he obviously didn't show it, because no one had the balls to address him this whole time. They had probably just invited him as a courtesy, honestly.

Projecting his usual hip and cool air, Kakashi looked down at his book in concentration when he answered. “I don’t know, Gerad.”

He knew that no one in the circle was named Gerad. When people get a little too chummy, he likes to call them by the wrong name to let them know he doesn’t really care about them. Asserting dominance, if you will.

Genma, who turned out to be the one who had spoken, groaned. He shifted the senbon in his mouth as he leaned back, rolling his eyes the whole way. “You’re a thorn in my side, Hatake, you bastard.”

“That’s homophobic,” Kakashi responded lightly, flipping another page in his novel. 

Genma, rightly appalled by his total lack of sense, jerked his head over to stare at him. “It’s not homop-” He stopped mid-sentence, narrowing his eyes. “Actually, wait. If hating you is homophobic, then I don’t want to be...not homphobic. Anti-homophobic. Whatever.”

Kakashi paused, closing his book with a snap. His eyes bored into Genma’s so long, the man was starting to sweat. “I see how it is.” A tense minute passed before the man eye-smiled and chirped out a goodbye as he left, giving an excuse about some plans he had.

Kurenai watched him go, gaze following him all the way out. Then she laughed in Genma’s face, plucking up Asuma’s cigarette to take a drag. “Watch your back, bitch.”

* * *

  
Naruto and Sasuke were already home lounging on the couch. Kakashi had already mentioned chunin exams to them earlier, but he still had to talk to Iruka.

He took off his shoes, leaving his feet covered in nothing but his orange shuriken patterned fluffy socks. Don’t ask how no one saw them when he was wearing open toed sandals.

On his way to annoy Iruka, he shuffled aggressively on his socks so they never lifted off the floor. So aggressively, in fact, that every over enthusiastic slide of his leg had the other sliding forcefully back, stopping him from moving more than an inch forward at a time.

Once Kakashi acquired this knowledge, he did not stop sliding his socks.

Traveling forward very loudly but without much speed, he inched his way into the other room. “Iruka, my darling dearest husband of three years, I have come to-”

“No.”

Kakashi frowned, but it looked more childish and petulant than a frown. “You didn’t even know what I was going to ask.”

Iruka dropped down the stack of tests he was grading more forcefully, preceding to mark the grades very aggressively. “I know you were going to say something about the chunin exams because I know you. Now sit down.” He switched his Grading Pen out for a Grading Marker, tucking the former behind his ear.

Kakashi groaned, letting himself go boneless so he was draped across the man’s shoulder. “They’re going to have to become chunin some time.”

The tip of the marker let out a strangled squeak as it was dragged across the paper. “Yeah. And that time is not now. They’re going to get hurt, and die, and then I’m going to be saying ‘ _I told you so_ ’ through my sobs at the funeral.”

Kakashi pouted harder than he already was. “They’re not going to get hurt,” he retorted, his tone dangerously close to whining.

Iruka glared down at his papers, but seemed less inclined to implode. “Naruto already got hurt training, so you can’t lie to me.”

He straightened slightly, “Naruto got hurt?”

The brunet nodded absently, “Yeah, there was a little blood, but it isn’t that big of a-” He glanced up, but the other was already gone.

  
  


Naruto looked up from his position on the couch with Sasuke as Kakashi skidded into the living room. The blond was relaxed and not at all distressed, which should have been an indicator that he was fine and not bleeding to death.

But Kakashi looked him over, saw approximately three inches of skin covered by bandages, and freaked. His eye was large and watery as he wailed, raising his hands to his cheeks. “Who would do this to my baby?!??!?!?!?!?!”

This may seem out of character, or extremely in character, depending on how you view Kakashi. However, his identity can be divided neatly into two pieces.

There are two wolves inside Kakashi. One is a cool and edgy ninja with a mysterious past, and the other is a repressed and depressed drama student trying to portray a cool and edgy ninja with a mysterious past.

Naruto barely glanced up, far too used to such occurrences. “A kunai.”

This elicited another shriek, Kakashi speeding over to rip the kunai the boy had held in his other hand away. “I shall melt them down for you, so their blades will harm no more innocents!”

“He’s hardly innocent,” Iruka called from the other room, practically projecting his eye roll.

Kakashi spun in the direction of his voice, now clutching the weapon he’d confiscated like a security blanket against his chest. “I will not hear another word of slander against our darling little angel!”

Naruto picked at his teeth before eyeing whatever came off. “Yeah, Iruka, get wrecked.”

Kakashi spun around, “Don’t think you’re off the hook, young man. _Why_ didn’t you tell me you got injured?”

Sasuke snickered from where he leaned against his teammate. “Yeah, Naruto, get wrecked.”

Naruto’s whole face soured and flushed slightly, then he redirected his gaze to the bandage around his finger. “I got distracted and the kunai slipped, no, the world is not ending, yes, I will still be able to wield kunai, and no, our life as we know it is not over.”

Kakashi squinted at him. “I don’t _appreciate_ your tone right now.”

Naruto's expression twisted again in frustration, and he started picking at the bandage. “I'm totally fine, ya know,” he complained. He glanced up, seeing that Iruka had now joined the other man by the doorway.

With a final tug, the bandage slipped off. He scrunched up his nose in distaste, crumbling up the material and throwing it at the nearest trash can. It bounced lightly off the side and landed on the floor.

Iruka, still holding his pen, clicked the back of several times in agitation. “Look what happened, your cut just reopened,” he sighed exasperatedly.

Kakashi swiveled his head violently to look at Naruto’s cut, narrowing his eye(?). “You _what?_ ”

* * *

“Kakashi, NO!”

“Kakashi, YES!”

“PLEASE DON’T PUT A CONE ON ME KAKASHI-SENSEI!!!”

“It worked for Pakkun, it’ll work for you!”

* * *

And so the Chunin Exams eventually did take place, with all of Team 7 participating after much debate. 

Iruka settled into the stands next to Kakashi, letting the man lean into his shoulder. “Golly, I sure hope Orochimaru and Suna don’t invade during these exams,” he commented with faux innocence. 

Kakashi snorted.

* * *

Naruto vs Neji:

First, Neji made some smug statement to begin, and then Naruto started having a flashback.

“Does he know we can all see him reminiscing back to that half-second where he said he was going to beat Neji,” Kakashi complained.

Iruka shushed him. “It adds character, okay? Naruto can flashback to any moment whenever he wants.”

Then there was some spiral of wind, really piling on the dramatics, before disappearing right as the match began. Really, why did they even need the spiral of wind? 

Then they just stood there. For like ten seconds. There were some cool sound effects in the background, but guys. Guys. This is a fight.

There were some kunai thrown, shots were fired. Naruto made some clones and then Neji killed some clones. Why are people entertained by thirteen year olds duking it out.

Then Neji started saying some shit about how Naruto wasn’t going to amount to anything, and Iruka and Kakashi felt the full force of Protective Parental RageTM wash over them.

Naruto made approximately a hundred clones, but got his ass beat again. Naruto please stop. Why do you keep making cloNES IF HE KEEPS DEFEATING THE CLONES?!?!?

“Neji just punched 64 chakra holes in his body, I guess it’s time for him to accept his defeat gracefully,” Iruka said serenely, still in denial and hoping Naruto would be sensible and try not to die.

Oh my gosh. Oh wow. Is Neji sharing his tragic backstory? He showed Naruto the seal on his forehead, sad music drifting through the arena.

Naruto was on the ground, and Neji called him a loser after pushing him over. This is what bullying looks like, kids.

“A guy like you won’t ever understand what it’s like to have a seal you can never get rid of your whole life,” Neji cried.

Kakashi covered his mouth, ignoring the fact that he had a mask on. “Oh shit, he’s going to be so embarrassed when he learns Naruto’s the jinchuriki.”

They seemed to have some sort of heart to heart, then Neji declared he was going to try to kill Naruto. 

“He wouldn’t actually kill him this time...right?” Iruka muttered in his ear.

Naruto started channeling the Kyuubi's power, and everyone started internally losing their minds. “It’s fine,” Kakashi answered, “He’s got Kurama.”

Then there was this big flash of light and Neji walked over to gloat. He leaned over the hole and oH MY GOsh it was a clone the entire time.

It was Naruto’s turn to beat his ass, then he made _another_ heartwarming speech over him before being announced the winner.

Iruka wiped a tear from his face, “ah, the old Naruto vs Neji, gets you every time.”

Kakashi gave him the side-eye. “Isn’t this only your second time watching this match?”

“...yes.”

* * *

Sasuke vs Gaara:

  
  


“Oh god,” Kakashi groaned, “Why does he still look so angsty? I thought giving him a normal childhood would stop this.”

Iruka patted his back consolingly. “It’s nature vs nurture. Some things are ingrained in his DNA.”

Gaara started freaking out and talking to Shukaku, which was kind of sad that he had to suffer like that. Then Sasuke used Rock Lee’s move in his male romper (you go king). He punched Gaara a couple times, and you would think that he learned hand to hand combat instead of simply relying on his sand, but no.

Gaara next decided to make like a turtle and hide in a shell of sand, but put a strange floating eye above it. I guess it allowed him to see? Because spikes started coming out of his sand armor thing and stabbing at Sasuke.

Sasuke used Chidori to punch through the sand armour.

Iruka turned baleful eyes onto Kakashi. “You still taught him this time around? Knowing he was a child and would probably hurt himself or misuse it?”

Kakashi shrugged. “It do be like that sometimes.”

Shukaku emerged from the sand armour, and then it began dissolving. The whole time, creepy but strangely appropriate music played. 

Please tell me where they keep the speakers, I need to know.

After a few more seconds of fighting, Kakashi shifted slightly. “Is there no Suna attack this time? Do they wish to take away my only joy?”

“Suna attacking shouldn’t be a joy, you ass.”

Surprisingly, there actually was no attack, which was kinda suspicious, but they tried not to think about it too hard. 

“We should go get ramen afterward?” Iruka offered awkwardly.

* * *

“Did we do good?” Naruto asked, bouncing slightly as he gripped Iruka’s arm. 

“Oh my gosh, Naruto, you can’t just ask someone if we did good,” Sasuke muttered, but did a poor job of concealing his expectant expression.

“You all gave it your best, and I’m very proud of you,” Iruka smiled, crouching down slightly to meet their eyes. He looked to Kakashi, giving him the ‘ _now it’s time to support your children_ ’ look.

The man in question sighed, slouching even further down. “I suppose you guys didn’t die, and I’m glad of that.” Iruka made a _‘go on’_ gesture. “Well, we can go make Genma regret ever being born.” He paused, then added, “As a treat.”

* * *

Shikamaru strolled through the gates after his team, jacket dusty and torn from his match. Choji and Ino were ahead, right behind Asuma-sensei, talking about something or other.

He lagged behind, eyeing the sky longingly. _If I stopped to cloud watch, how long would it take for them to notice?_

As if alerted by his thoughts, Ino shot him a glare over her shoulder. “Don’t even think about stopping. We’d have to go back for you and get yelled at for not paying attention.”

Shikamaru sighed but sped up slightly so he was only a few steps away. He tightened his ponytail in agitation. His bruises and scrapes were minimal, but no one wanted to _do_ something after fighting.

As they strode made their way through the streets to turn in their report, Shikamaru noticed there was a slight commotion right at the opening of their street. Wanting this to be over with as soon as possible, he pushed past Asuma-sensei and his teammates to get a better look at the scene. 

And what a sight to behold it was.

Sasuke was standing on top of a crate with Naruto crouched on a barrel a foot away. Opposite them, Kakashi and Iruka, the talk of the town for _three fucking years,_ were standing slightly apart on the ground to complete the crude looking circle.

Both boys had a mask and slanted headband on them, and Naruto’s hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail to imitate the adults.

Shikamaru made a face when he realized that it looked similar to his own.

Iruka was the only one with his expression visible, but he wore sunglasses and kept his face impassive. Naruto also had sunglasses, and only about an inch of his face was uncovered.

They were T-posing.

They were all T-posing, in the middle of the fucking day. It was obvious they took themselves seriously, despite the blatant insanity of the situation. They had the composure of being on a mission, refusing to even twitch.

In the middle of the circle was Genma, curled up in the fetal position.

He was crying.

Team 10 was frozen, watching them stand there and loom over the man in the middle. No one breathed. Ino didn’t make a snarky comment, there was no smoke from Asuma, and not even a crinkle of a chip package from Choji. 

Shikamaru directed his gaze back to the poor man in the circle. Genma looked like he didn’t know what the fuck was happening but hated it anyway, and to be honest, mood.

Shikamaru wondered if this was what people meant when they referred to the _‘Final Boss music’_ they heard.

After a few minutes of unbelievable tension, Kakashi relaxed and the rest followed suit as they regrouped to one side.

This was fine. Shikamaru was fine. They would leave and Team 10 would go home, sleep, and try to forget this ever happened.

Kakashi turned away, straightening up as the two kids fell into a line like baby ducklings. The man nodded seriously, even businesslike. “Well boys, we did it. Homophobia is no more.”

He then leaned backwards, skating away on his Ninja Heelys™ with the rest of his family following after him.

Shikamaru blinked twice as he came fully awake. Ninja Heelys™ didn’t even exist.

He thought about having a crisis, then decided it wasn’t worth the effort. 

He sighed in exasperation. _What a drag._

* * *

Kakashi led them, rolling the entire way, to the ramen stand. At the realization, Naruto cheered and Sasuke rolled his eyes. After Kakashi had given one sliver of praise, they’d been all over him.

He shooed them off to the seats while he ordered, pulling out a wad of money.

Iruka leaned on the counter, watching Naruto and Sasuke climb all over his husband. Kakashi was neither helping them or stopping them, but he wore a small smile as he tolerated them.

The two boys were shouting at each other, Naruto pulling down his mask in order to stick his tongue out. His arms were wrapped around Kakashi’s shoulder and his legs grappled for traction on the rest of the jonin. Sasuke clung to the man’s other shoulder, using his position to loom over the blond. One of his fists went out to punch the other, and Kakashi reached out and plucked both of them up by the scruff of their neck. Iruka couldn’t make out what they were saying from his spot, but it was no doubt vicious but otherwise ineffective scolding.

It was adorable.

Teuchi served him his ramen, bracing his arms on the table to watch along with him. Iruka’s chest was light with the thousands of happy little butterflies flying through it. He couldn’t stop the bright, and no doubt sickeningly fond, grin from spreading.

Teuchi sighed, and even without seeing him, the warmth in his voice was evident. “It’s nice, isn’t it? No one trying to kill Naruto at every corner.”

Iruka hummed in agreement. It _was_ nice. Naruto was still a brat and Sasuke was a little shit, but they didn’t need to fear for their lives. He just wanted what was best for them.

Iruka’s head rested in one hand, elbow on the counter to prop himself up as he focused on his disaster of a family.

“It’s good to see you using your second chance well,” Teuchi continued, and Iruka felt him shift away from the counter.

He nodded. “I’m trying my best to-wait what?.” The words finally registered, and all Iruka could do was think, _I knew something was fucking fishy the moment Naruto said he didn’t really want to be Hokage anymore._ Iruka spun around in his chair, but no one was there. In fact, Teuchi wasn’t anywhere in the ramen shop.

He twisted around to check every space behind the bar, throwing his hands up in befuddlement as he recalled the man’s words. “ _What._ ”

After coming to terms with the fact that _Teuchi just implied he was aware of his time travel and was probably responsible for it too because of how overpowered he is,_ Iruka blinked. 

“WHAT.”

He sank his head into his hands, staring down into his cooling bowl of ramen. He didn’t bother looking up. He already knew it was no use.

Teuchi The Ramen Man was gone.

* * *

“Good night,” Iruka whispered, closing Sasuke’s door behind him. Both boys were getting some much needed rest, all their bruises and scrapes properly cared for. 

All the main lights were out, and only a few small ones illuminating the occupied ones. Iruka walked down the hallway, the wood creaking under his feet.

He approached the kitchen to see Kakashi at the table. His mask was down and he held a mug of tea in between his hands.

“You should be in bed, too,” Iruka murmured.

Kakashi shifted, “I was thinking about what you told me about Teuchi.”

“It’s fine if you don’t believe me.”

The man shook his head. “It would be stranger if he  _ wasn’t _ behind a conspiracy to protect Naruto.”

Iruka shuffled up behind him, wrapping an arm loosely around the other’s waist. “It’s already been three years, but just because someone is protecting him doesn’t mean we have to stop.”

Kakashi let out a sigh, leaving his mug on the counter to twist in Iruka’s arms. When they faced each other, he curled forward into the embrace. “I’m not sure if I’ve ever said it, but if I had to be sent back in time with anyone, I’m glad it’s with you.”

Iruka huffed. “You haven’t.”

That made Kakashi laugh lightly as he rested his head on the other’s shoulder. It was only a second, though, and his voice was still serious. “I mean it though.”

Iruka hummed in acknowledgement. “I don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but I love you, Kakashi Hatake.”

That seemed to put him off, and there was a long pause before his answer. “I don’t think you can live in the same house, have children,  _ and _ have sex with someone and not fall in love.”

Iruka flushed, growling, “That was hate sex and you know it.”

That made Kakashi laugh again, and Iruka could feel the rumble of his voice from their chests pressed together. 

They didn’t speak for a while, the flickering lights inside causing their shadows to dance. The only sound was their breathing and the occasional thump from a neighboring apartment.

“If that wasn't clear enough, I love you, Iruka Umino.”

It wasn’t some monumental shift, there were no fireworks or a sudden rush of feelings. The phrase ‘ _ love _ ’ was just a name to whatever they’d been doing the last few years. 

It was just Kakashi and Iruka.

When they kissed, it wasn’t a thousand sparks or a crashing wave. It wasn’t magical or otherworldly, and it didn’t change a thing.

The kiss felt like home. Like they knew each other’s every twist and turn, could find each other with their eyes closed. They were connected, whether they liked it or not.

And when they broke away, it was still just Kakashi and Iruka.

“We’ll work this out together, yeah?” Iruka smiled, and it was such a familiar thing to Kakashi that he couldn’t help but smile back.

“My, my, I suppose we will, Sensei.”

* * *

And so, everything worked out one way or another. Sasuke actually got therapy to deal with his trauma and Naruto didn’t become a sad middle aged balding man who hated his job. He was, however, a respected shinobi, eventually deciding to follow in Iruka’s footsteps as an Academy teacher.

The current Hokage, Rock Lee, had essentially stopped the production of child soldiers with the help of his father. He took care of the ROOT children, helping them properly assimilate while also giving them the proper care.

And wow, the whole mental health of Konoha seemed to be getting better with each year people had to be at least 20 before they could legally go on solo missions.

It was almost like they were directly correlated or something. What a coincidence.

Naruto couldn’t exactly pinpoint when, but sometime after chunin exams his parents had begun to be substantially less worried about him going on dangerous missions. When he asked Kakashi, the man had babbled some nonsense about him being “protected by an Eldritch Creature who bent the fabric of time and space for him,” so he just stopped asking.

Iruka and Kakashi were old and retired, but still contentedly married, and proud to say that their impromptu relationship was the most common example used for why Jonin were batshit crazy. 

In the end, Naruto and Sasuke were happy surrounded by the people who’d supported them from the beginning, instead of trying to win the approval of people who’d essentially isolated them and prevented them from having a normal life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi to Iruka: This is only your second time watching Naruto vs Neji in the chunin exams, we’ll have to try it again sometime! :)
> 
> Dude behind them in the stands: Say sike right now
> 
> I also used inspiration from a comment by blueberry_sun, so thank you for your help! I hope all of you enjoyed reading it as much as I loved writing it!


End file.
